Pt 18 Stay With Me - Shirt Vs. Skins

Shane hid between the lockers with his back to the wall.  There was no response from William and he was certain there wouldn’t be one.  He had seen him with his friends.  He had seen the basketball and the way they were goofing around.  He knew what they were up to and he was jealous.

Against his better judgment Shane found himself walking in the opposite direction he normally walked home after school, down to the basketball courts where he could already hear the thud of the ball and the shouts of the players.  He walked to the fence where he could make out the two teams, skins and shirts.  William was on the skins. 

He smirked at the sight but corrected himself quickly and masked his interest with his face of disinterest.  It was a practiced face.  He moved closer, took hold of the chain link.  William was easy to spot being one of the tallest.

Shirtless, Shane at last could see his muscled body.  He noted the young man’s biceps and developed chest that had a slight amount of hair.  William was an aggressive player and his muscles flexed with every movement.  This would be erotic if it weren’t so damn frustrating, he thought.  He wished for a moment he could be on the other side but then the boys noticed him there and he felt panic. 

There’s the faggot, he thought.  It was only a matter of time before they began to taunt him, before they called him names.  It was only a matter of time and he could do nothing more but grunt.  He thought about his last fight.  He thought about the hospital.  He rubbed at his chin. 

They were faster, stronger, and more aggressive.  He swallowed and stepped back from the fence before he turned away and began to walk.  He wished William would call out to him.  He wished William would come running.

Those things didn’t happen in real life, he told himself.  Fantasy is another disappointment, there should be no expectations.  He just kept moving one foot after another until they were all behind him. 

He wished he didn’t feel so vulnerable.  He wished there was some way to defend himself.  Other people want guns and knives, baseball bats, but he told himself it shouldn’t have to come to that.  No, he needed something else.  That’s when he thought of taking Karate lessons.

It didn’t take him long to get home.  When he did he dropped his bag by the door and kicked off his shoes before he went to find his mother in the living room doing needle point.  He found a piece of paper and a marker then moved to sit beside her.

“How are you today?” she asked.

He grunted and shrugged his shoulders before he pulled off the cap and writing out a short message.  He held it up for her.  It was a request to take Karate.

“Oh, honey,” she said.

She reached for his head, ran her fingers through his hair, until he pulled away.  He held the paper so she could see it clearly and tapped against it with the marker.  She frowned and put down what she had been doing.

“We’ll talk about it with your father,” she said.

He dropped the paper and marker on the coffee table before he got up with a grunt.  His one good thought seemed to be defeated.  But what could he have expected from her?  He turned and walked away from her, retrieved his bag, and climbed the stairs to his room where he tossed his bag on his bed and instinctively pulled out his phone to check for messages.

There could only be one person who would text me and he’s on the basketball court trying not to be a homosexual, he thought.  I’m such a fool.  He tossed the phone next to his bag and went to his computer for some kind of escape.

Hours later as he was involved in a game his mother called to him from downstairs.  He pulled off his headphones and paused the game before he got up and went back down to find both of his parents in the living room.  He stepped into the doorway.

“Hello there,” his father said.

Shane raised his hand to signal hello before he stuck both of his hands in his pockets and began to rock on his feet. 

“Your mother showed me your note.  We’re not sure if it’s a good idea.  It’s a lot of training and I’m not sure how useful it would be.”

Shane grunted.

“What I mean is I had another idea.  It’s actually something I’ve been thinking about for some time.  I was thinking you could take self-defense classes.  It wouldn’t be about black belts and all of that.  It would be practical.”

Shane lifted his eyebrows and the thought.  He hadn’t thought of something so simple.  He had thought of action movies.  Self-defense could be useful, he thought.  He nodded to them.

“Come here,” his father said.

Shane walked to them.  Each gave him a hug. 

“Maybe your brother can go too,” his mother said.

Shane rolled his eyes.

Pt 17 Stay With Me - Breaking Hearts

As close as they felt hugging each other William felt impossibly far away the next morning when he awoke to find himself in his own bed, his own house.  There was a lot to lose for him by coming out and graduation from high school was so close.  He felt that he had worked too hard to give it up now, over something he felt, something he couldn’t define, something people didn’t respect.  It was a flaw to be gay, he thought.  And what is gay anyway?  It’s a label. 

And maybe he wasn’t gay anyway, maybe he was bisexual.  It was a lot to give up, a lot to risk over something he doubted, but then he thought about Shane.  He thought about the feeling of his warm body and the way he wanted to stay there in his embrace, but it wouldn’t last.  Shane was a Freshman.  He was a graduating Senior.  He was going off to college. 

He forced those thoughts to the back of his mind.  He threw aside his covers and got up from his bed, rubbed at his eyes, and went through the motions of getting ready for school.  Forty-five minutes later his mind was empty as he drove.  It was an easy familiar route and he got there five minutes earlier than usual so he got a better parking spot, but he had time to kill.

The thoughts returned so he opened his car door and got out, started walking.  He circled the high school, by the time he got back to the entrance he found people had gathered.  He went to his usual spot, leaned against the wall.  He was ready for another day.  Then his pocket vibrated.  It was his phone.  He pulled it from his pocket and checked the message.

<Good morning. Want to hang out after school?>

William looked around at the other students before he shrugged his shoulders.  He pulled up a response.

<Yeah sure> - William

<It’ll be fun> - Shane

<I’m looking forward to it.> - William

He adjusted the settings for his phone so it wouldn’t make a sound and wouldn’t vibrate, then put it back in his pocket.  They need a ‘school’ setting instead of an ‘airplane’ setting, he thought.

After four years, well more actually, it all felt so routine for William.  He made it through the day without thinking too much.  By eighth period the last thirty minutes felt like torture.  He decided to hurry them along and asked for the hallway pass.  In the hall he checked both directions, picked a direction and began to walk.  He pulled out his phone as he did.  There were two messages from Shane and two messages from Josh. 

<We should watch a movie> - Shane

<We should go for a walk, maybe go to the park> - Shane

<Want to play some basketball?> - Josh

<After school. At the basketball courts. be there or be gay> - Josh

William groaned at the last message before he stopped and moved to the lockers.  It was meant as a joke, yet it burned as if it had been said in person.  He felt like crushing his phone with his bare hands but stopped himself, took a deep breath.  He leaned back against them and pulled up a response to Shane.

<Sorry can’t make it. Something came up. Maybe some other time.> - William

He put the phone away and continued on his errand.  After he had used the restroom, on his way back, he thought about checking his phone but didn’t.  He wanted to be with Shane and he wanted to be with Josh for very different reasons.

When he got back to class he managed to block the thoughts out until the end of the period.  He knew he was supposed to go to the basketball courts, but really he wanted to be with Shane.  He walked back to his locker, dropped his books inside, and locked it.  He thought about basketball, a good distraction, he thought.  He took a deep breath and puffed up his shoulders, but then he saw Shane at the end of the hallway with his phone in his hand.  He saw Shane type, then look up.  He wondered for a moment why his phone didn’t go off before he remembered the settings.  He took it out and checked the message.

<What’s going on?> Shane

He thought about lying.  He tried to think of some good excuse.  All of it was possible until he felt someone grab hold of him from behind, someone else slapped him on the ass, and he let out a yell.  It was Josh and his other friends from the basketball team.

“Come on homo, let’s go shoot some hoops,” Josh said.

William smiled and looked amongst his teammates as they grouped around him.  He tried to look past their heads to Shane but he quickly lost track of him. 

“Last one there is captain of the skins team,” Josh said.

They all began to run.  William looked one last time for Shane but couldn’t find him so he broke into a jog, readied himself to slow if a teacher saw him, but it was short distance to an exit, and there he broke into a run to try and catch up to his teammates.

Pt. 16 Stay With Me - Round and Round

William felt happier than he had been in a long time when he left Shane’s house.  They had spent hours since dinner texting back and forth and playing video games.  There had been an easy casualness to the whole thing.  There was no pressure, just comfort.

He didn’t think about any other part of his life even as he got home, greeted his family then made his way to his room.  He sat at his desk, turned on his computer, and waited for the familiar glow of the monitor.  It was just after eight, forty-five minutes before curfew on a school night and he still had homework to do but those were all minor distractions.  He set his mind to each task but he couldn’t stop smiling.  The smiling continued into the next day, through classes, and was with him when he showed up at Shane’s door with the homework assignments.

Shane invited him inside with a wave then led him to the living room where commercials played on the television.  He took a seat on the couch and invited William to sit beside him.

“Your mom out?” William asked.

Shane nodded.

“Your dad and brother?”

Shane nodded then picked up his phone.

<shopping. be back with pizza.>

“Cool,” William replied.

<Want to stay?>

William thought about it for a moment.  It was tempting to try and recreate what they had the previous day but it was also scary.  They were alone, at least for a few hours.  They could... no, it was too risky.  It would mean too much or maybe not enough.  And he wasn’t even sure if Shane liked him like that.  What if he didn’t?

“Can’t,” William said, “I have homework and my mom, after yesterday.  She wants me home early for chores.”

Shane shrugged.

He felt like he had already disinvited himself so he decided to go with it.

“I actually have to get going,” William said.  “When are you coming back to school?”

<don’t know for sure. Luke is supposed to be suspended until School Board meeting.>

“They have to have a meeting about it?  He should be expelled.”

Shane nodded and grunted through his teeth.

“I can’t believe that.  It’s not like it was a simple fight.”

<my mouth is wired shut>

“I know,” William said.

<my mom is supposed to go the meeting>

“That’s good,” William said.

<she wants me to go>

“Are you?”

<don’t want to but I will. I would hate to see him there.>

William winced at the text.  He could imagine how difficult it would be to see his attacker.  It would feel embarrassing and frustrating at the same time.

“That totally sucks, I hope she goes and she gets them to expel him.”

<me too>

William looked up from his phone and he felt as if everything had been sucked out of the room.  There was no emotion, no feeling left in him.  They had turned a corner in the conversation and he thought it would feel better if they left it alone.

“Well,” William said.  “I guess, I mean, I have to get going.”

He turned and walked from the room back through the house.  Shane followed him.  They stopped at the open front door.  It was warm outside, the sunshine still bright, and birds chirped.  William looked to Shane.  They stared each other in the eye.  There was a bond there that neither of them wanted to break.

“Well,” William said.

Shane held out his arms and grunted to signal that he wanted a hug.  William swallowed and looked out the porch where he saw the shadow of a large tree in the front yard.  Everything felt right and so he looked back at Shane and stepped in to hug him.

By their height difference alone it was easier for Shane to wrap his arms around William’s torso and for William to hold Shane’s shoulders.  William didn’t expect that Shane would grip tightly as if he was never going to let go.  It was a move William knew he would have never done first but as he felt it he tried to hug back with the same effort.  The courage of William’s move broke something in William’s being, his sense of self and fear.  It was a feeling he had always wanted.  It was a feeling he was afraid to want.

Then Shane relaxed his grip and slowly pulled away his arms and William did the same until they were apart and looking at each other again.  Both of them grinned.  The wind blew, the tree outside moved and its shadow fluctuated on the grass breaking the moment.

“Well,” William said.  “I guess I have to get going.”

He stepped onto the porch and walked to his car, looking back over his shoulder occasionally as he did.  He started the car and pulled away from the curb.  There had been something there between them, something that connected them in that moment, something he wanted to feel again but almost felt better the further away he got because it felt like a trail back to something warm and safe.

Pt. 15 Stay With Me - Third Wheel

As nice as Brittany was her continued presence at the house drained any sense of enthusiasm William had for visiting Shane.  She was strange to him and he worried about saying or doing the wrong thing.  Any comment he made seemed to be noted but uninteresting to them as they talked and he couldn’t integrate himself to their conversation so he fell quiet an hour after being there.  He was at the end of his patience, slowly taping his shoe against the coffee table leg, ready to leave on an impulse when Shane’s mother Anne entered the room.

“I’m going to be getting the plates for dinner.  Who all is staying?  You’re all welcome.”

William and Shane caught each other’s eyes.

“Sorry Mrs. Farmer,” Brittany said, “I have to get going.  I’ve been here too long actually.  I have homework and things I need to do.”

“Oh, well, how about you William?”

He gulped as Shane stared back at him.  He wanted to say he had to leave but he knew it wasn’t the truth.  He wanted to prove something to Shane, or maybe just anger him but his parents wouldn’t mind him missing dinner, much less driving back home before curfew.  He could tell that Shane wanted him to stick around so he decided to give in to the unspoken request.

“Yeah, if it’s not a problem,” William said.

“The more the merrier,” she said before leaving the room.

Brittany let out a grunt of disappointment before she stood and pulled Shane to his feet then embraced him in a tight hug.  She rocked him on his feet then kissed him on his cheek and stepped back with her hands still on his shoulders.

“You be safe from now on,” she said.  “I don’t want to hear about you getting injured.  We used to play board games together and sneak into your father’s study.”  Her words resinated in William’s chest because he realized it was a connection he didn’t have, could never have.  He bit his lip as he watched her hug him again then push away, collect her things, and walk from the room in a casual manner that made William fear she would bump into something.  She said goodbye to Anne as she passed through the kitchen and then they heard the house door open and close.  William forced a smile.

Shane grunted through his teeth and signaled that they should head for the kitchen.  William got to his feet and walked into the kitchen where he decided to follow Shane’s actions.  He washed his hands at the sink like Shane did then dried them with the same towel, followed him to the dining room where he decided to sit at the chair next to Shane.

“Shane would you go get your father in his study?”

William looked up to Anne and furrowed his eyebrows.  He had not yet met Shane’s father and the sudden idea that he had been there the whole time was perplexing.  He didn’t want to meet him like this.  He didn’t want to meet him, but there was nothing he could do to stop it.  It was going to happen.  Shane got up from the table and began to walk from the room.  William watched him leave then looked to the table that was empty and he remembered he should call his mother.

“Uh, I have to call my mother,” he said.  As he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone.  He got up from the table and began to walk from the room as he dialed his home number.  It rang three times.

“Kyle, get in here and set the table,” Anne called down the hallway to Shane’s younger brother.

“Hello,” his mother said.

“Hey mom,” William said.  “I uh, am at a friend’s place and he asked me to stay for dinner.”  His heart sunk because it felt like he was asking permission.  Eighteen, and he was asking for permission.

“Who’s the friend?” she asked.

“Just a friend from school,” he said.  He stepped away farther into the living room and lowered his voice before he said, “I’m at Josh’s.”

“Okay, well, I wish you would have told me sooner.  Though I guess it doesn’t matter much since we’re ordering pizza.  Well, be safe driving home and don’t be out too late.”

“Okay, love you mom,” he said.

“Love you too,” she said.

He hung up the phone and felt guilty about saying where he was but he knew that she knew Shane was the boy that had been beaten up, or at least she knew of him, it wouldn’t take much to know his name.  Then where would they be?  He stuck his hands in his pockets and walked back to the dining room.

Kyle had already set out the plates and he had a handful of knives and forks as he walked around setting them down one at a time on the place mats that had been put down under the dishes.  Shane stood against the wall with his hands on his hips.  Anne was busy finishing the food on the stove.  William felt happy for a moment before he saw the large head of a Saint Bernard enter the room then he looked to the archway where he saw a man slightly taller than Shane enter the room.  It was easy to see the familial similarity between the man and his two sons, though he was slightly disheveled looking as if he had just been woken up.

“Oh hey there,” he said.  “I’m Martin.  You must be William.”

Martin crossed the room to where William stood and extended his hand.  William brushed his hand on his jeans to make sure it wasn’t sweaty then shook Martin’s hand as firmly as he could.

“Good grip,” Martin said, “Shane tells us you are a basketball player.”

“I was,” William said.  “Season is over, no more games.”

“Well...” Martin added before he clapped his hands and turned to the table.

“Anything we can do?” he asked.

“Just have a seat,” Anne said.

William moved to the chair where he had been sitting in but was shocked when Kyle moved to the one next to him instead of Shane who shrugged his shoulders and sat across from him.  Martin sat at the head of the table and Anne made quick work to put the food in the center of the table: breaded chicken breast, salad, brussels sprouts, and rice.  William looked at the food and smirked as it was the type of food he usually ate during game season but when it was over he liked to go back to cheese burgers and fries.  He looked to Anne and wondered how she was overweight with this kind of diet but then Martin cleared his throat and bowed his head.

Everyone else bowed their head and William did so politely.  His family wasn’t religious, at least not this religious, enough to pray before dinner, only holidays.  He watched out of the corners of his eyes as they crossed themselves, Martin said the prayer, and then crossed themselves again.  He looked up as everyone else did then waited for someone else to start before he served himself food.

In all of the confusion he hadn’t noticed that Shane didn’t have a plate and he stopped for a moment when Anne spoke up.

“He’ll eat later.  I have to blend his food and he’s embarrassed to eat in front of you.”

“Oh,” William said.  He looked to Shane who was clearly bothered but not going to respond.

Pt. 14 Stay With Me - New Shoes

William and Brittany dropped the books in the open trunk of his car before setting off for Shane’s home.  He felt awkward with her in the car because he knew very little about her.  She had been one of the few, because of last name, that had rarely ended up in any of his classes.  She was a stranger to him.

She was different than everyone else too.  She stood out from the crowd but in a good way, humble almost.  She was tall, attractive, and sophisticated.  She had long, curly, blonde hair that was usually loose about her head.  She was popular but she wasn’t a cheerleader or a preppie.

She wore Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses but no one called her a snob.  She had been to Europe to visit all of the great cities. She was smart.  She studied Spanish and French.  She read books unrelated to classes in study hall.

She was a part of the Gay-Straight Alliance, yet there was little suspicion of her motives.  There could be no rumors.  She was a ‘straight ally’, because there had been rumors that she had been sexually active with at least two guys, neither of whom attended their school, rumors that weren’t denied, and no one said she was a whore.

Other girls had ruined reputations either because they had had sex with a guy at school or because they were rumored to have performed some sexual act like a blow job or a hand job but not her.  She had been and seen.  She was sociable but aloof.  She floated along with her own passions, her own abilities.

William had expected her to fidget and complain.  He thought she would play with her cell phone or read a book.  He thought she would complain that his car didn’t have power windows or that the backseat was filled with garbage.  He thought she would complain about his driving ability or give him directions but she did none of those things.  She rolled down the window and relaxed in the passenger seat.  She didn’t fidget.  She didn’t seem bothered and though her dark glasses covered her eyes William felt that she was present.  They were halfway there when he decided to start a conversation.

“So how do you know Shane?” he asked.  It was difficult to speak after such a long silence but once the words were out he felt better.

“I used to babysit him,” she said.  “His parents would have me come over and watch him, usually on Saturdays or evenings when they were home.”

“They were home but they needed a babysitter?  Isn’t that more like paying you to be his friend?”

“I guess, but not really, I mean they were busy.  Sometimes they left for different errands and things.  I was there to keep him entertained.  I thought of it mostly like a job but I really like him, you know, don’t get me wrong.  I’m glad you went to see him in the hospital.”

“Did he tell you about that?”

“Yeah, he mentioned it.”

William gulped at the answer because somehow he had expected his actions to go unnoticed, or at least untold.  Now there was a bond there between them, a friendship recognized by someone else.

“Did he mention anything else?”

She looked in his direction briefly before she looked away to the road ahead.  He could tell that she wanted to say something but was stopping herself.

“What?” he asked.

“Well,” she said before she rubbed her hand against the knee of her jeans, “he mentioned you guys have been texting back and forth and it’s really been keeping him in good spirits.”

“Really,” he said.  He wanted to follow up, ask more but he was silenced by his own happiness and then when he recognized that he was grinning a little he cleared his throat and changed his facial expression back to being serious.

“He’s a nice guy,” she said.

William nodded and a quick smile jerked at his lips before he caught himself.  He wanted to change the subject but his he couldn’t find a thought far enough away.

“I can’t believe Luke attacked him like that,” William said.

“Did you know Luke?”

“Not really,” William said.  “He fell in with the vocational studies crowd.  Did you?”

“Briefly in the seventh grade but he was such a dick head even back then I couldn’t stand him.  When he said it was a senior in his gym class I didn’t know who it was.  Did you?”

“No, why?  You thought he would do something like this?”

“I should have.  He used to brag about how one day he was going to bag himself a queer but no one knew what that meant back then.  I hadn’t thought about it in years.”

The phrase resounded in William’s ear and he felt his stomach clench.  He thought about Luke, the other boys in his class, the members that had been on his basketball team and it felt like blows to his psyche.  They would all hate him if they knew.  They would all hate him if they found out the truth, a truth he didn’t know how long he could hide.  Truth always comes out to the surface even in minor Freudian slips.

They didn’t talk for the rest of the drive, even as they got out of the car and retrieved the books there was barely an exchange of sounds until they reached the door and Shane welcomed them inside, dressed in his pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt.

Brittany let out a squeal of delight as she embraced him, took him in her arms, and squeezed until he stuck out his arms in surrender.  It was clearly the first time they had been together since the fight and William felt instantly jealous at their easy embrace.  What would it mean if he had tried for such a hug?  Was it something either of them were ready for?  He forced himself to smile when Shane looked to him and held up the books to signify the true reason for their visit.

“How are you doing?” she asked as she let him go.

He grunted through his teeth then held up his cell phone.

“Let’s get us on a group chat,” she said.

Shane nodded then walked away as he pressed buttons on his phone.  William and Brittany followed after him through the house to what was clearly his bedroom.

Brittany pulled out her phone and William was about to do the same when it buzzed in his pocket.  He gripped at it through his jeans to make it stop then pulled it out and opened it.  There was already two messages from Shane.

Hello.

Good to see you.

William was unable to type until he set the books down so he waited until they entered and then he signaled for a place to put them down and Shane pointed to his bed.  Brittany and William set the books down and Shane was quick to type into his phone.

Homework. Ugh.

William smiled.

“You thought you’d be able to get out of it,” William said.

“Well at least you don’t have to go to school,” Brittany added.

Shane mocked their humor with a raise of his shoulders and a roll of his eyes.

No one had anything to say right away and William took the time to look around the room.  There were shelves full of books, trinkets, and toys.  His desk was mostly clean with a single candle next to an open laptop with a screen saver displaying male athletes.  Brittany saw where he was looking.  Shane grinned then closed the laptop.

The room was organized but full.  The books were a mix of Western Canon and popular science fiction, with a few biographies, historical texts, and horror mixed in.

It had been too long since they had said something and Shane desperately wanted to start a conversation so he held up his finger to get their attention before he retrieved a shoe box from under his bed.  He set the box on his bed, opened it, and pulled out a brand new pair of sneakers with bright blue shoe strings.

“Nice shoes,” Brittany said.

“Those are some shoe laces,” William added.

Shane nodded then dropped them on the bed and picked up his phone, shortly after both William and Brittany’s phone rang with the same message.

Got them because my old one’s had blood on them from the fight.  Couldn’t get it to come out. Mom said she couldn’t send me back in them.

Pt 13 Stay With Me- The Get Well Card

The next morning William awoke with a happiness that surprised even him so he tried to reason out its creation and meaning as he went about his morning routine.  He concluded as he drove to school that the happiness was because of Shane.  For once he had someone with whom he could share his life.  They had been up until one o’clock in the morning texting back and forth to each other about their childhood, television and movies they’d seen, and their hopes for what they wanted to be, what they wanted to do after high school.

Shane had said he wanted to be an artist, or at the least work in the arts.  It would be easy for him to be gay in that line of work, William thought.  Maybe not if he was an actor or something, though that was changing, but Shane hadn’t said anything about acting.  He was more the painter type, or else maybe a writer.  Shane had said he like photography, and William had kidded him about really meaning pornography.  William laughed to himself because for once he could make a joke, a gay related joke, and it was funny not humiliating.

He pulled into the parking lot and to one of the last spots where he parked his car, picked up his two books with the homework folded inside, and headed toward the school.  Most everyone else had been waiting around for over half an hour because they had taken the bus or else walked but he had worked it into a science to get nearly the last spot and walk into the building just before the bell rang.  He was headed to homeroom when he spotted Mrs. Gallagher at the principal’s office, for a moment he looked away so he could pretend he didn’t see her but she waved to get his attention, summon him to her.  He grunted then headed to where she stood with another teacher.

“Good morning,” he said to them both.

“Good morning,” she responded.  “Do you have a minute?”

“I’m headed to homeroom,” he said.

“I’ll walk with you,” she replied.

They walked along the hallway and his happiness was quickly replaced with increasing levels of fear.  What did it mean to walk down the hall with her?  What would it mean if it had been Shane?  Just days ago he had tried to break off any kind of friendship with the boy and just last night they had texted like the best of friends.

“Talk to Shane much?”

“Yeah, he’s doing alright,” William said.

“I got a card for him.  I was going to try and get everyone from the group to sign it then see if you would take it to him.”

He perked up at the sentiment of what she said and looked to her as she smiled back at him.

“Why don’t you stop by at the end of the day?”

They stopped at the doorway to the classroom and William suddenly became aware that he was holding his books to his chest as if he were a smitten girl in a movie so he dropped them around his waist then tucked them against his side in one arm.

“Yeah, no problem,” he said.  “I’ll stop by.  I have his number too so I can give that to you.”

“Good,” she said.  She began to reach out for a moment to touch his elbow but stopped herself.  “Well, I’ll see you later then.”

They turned away from each other.  William stepped into the classroom and Mrs. Gallagher walked away down the hallway.  The rest of the morning William wanted to text with Shane but he had a feeling his friend was sleeping in, plus he didn’t want to get caught.  He waited until lunch where he had to play it casual with his friends as he sent his first message but when he didn’t get a response by the end of the period he powered off his phone and waited until study hall to check his messages.  There was a series of texts:

Decided to go shopping.  Went to thrift store.  Cashier woman thought I was skipping school.  Looked pretty conspicuous in my glasses and hat.  But I couldn’t stand being in the house.  Almost made me wish I was in school.  Not really.

William laughed to himself.  No one missed school, he thought.  He looked at the tile flooring, the aluminum shelving, and the steel framed windows, no one would miss it.  This was a place where only the teachers stayed year after year, each class more like the last.  He looked to the ceiling and sighed, one more class he told himself, only a few more months.

The last five minutes of the period were agonizing and then he managed to forget most everything for the first thirty minutes of his last class until the class had been given an assignment to write for the last ten minutes then take home with them if they hadn’t finished.  William managed to sneak a peak at his phone as the teacher read from a newspaper but there were no more messages from Shane.  He looked to the clock but there were two minutes left so he looked back to his paper where he had managed to write the first paragraph but didn’t feel like writing anything else.

Then the bell rang and William folded the paper and stuck it in his book.  He headed back to his locker to get a second book from earlier in the day then headed to Mrs. Gallagher’s classroom where he found she was alone at her desk grading pop quizzes.

“Come on in and have a seat.  I have the card but I’m still waiting on Brittany to come by and sign the card.  She said she walks home so she could do it after school.”

William was bothered by the thought of staying another minute let alone ten minutes to wait fro Brittany to sign the card but he shrugged his shoulders and made his way to the desk where he sat as she resumed her work.  He pulled out his phone and decided to text Shane that he would be headed over soon but when there was no immediate response he set the phone on the desk and looked to the doorway.

“Oh,” Mrs. Gallagher said.  “Could you write down his number?  Did you ask him if it was okay?”

William shrugged and said he didn’t think it would be a problem before he took out a piece of scrap paper from the back of one of his books and wrote out Shane’s phone number.  The world felt infinitely big, time slow, and all of his meaning empty for a moment before Brittany walked into the classroom with a smile on her face and full of cheer.

“Hey Mrs. Gallagher, hey William,” she said, “sorry to keep you waiting but I had to take care of some things.”  She walked to Mrs. Gallagher’s desk where Mrs. Gallagher had set out the card.  Brittany looked at the front then said, “awe that’s sweet,” before opening it and reading through the other signatures.  “It’s so sad,” she said before she pouted for a moment then reached into her purse and produced a pink pen.  She used the desk to write out a quick message then sign her name then handed the card to Mrs. Gallagher who too it in hand and read over the messages then furrowed her brow with a sudden realization.

“William, you haven’t signed this,” she said.

William perked up at the words then got up from the desk and crossed to where they waited for him.  Now suddenly he was the one taking up their time, he thought, and foolishly too.  He took the card and looked at the messages but somehow the words didn’t make sense as he looked them over, none of the messages really mattered to him, it wasn’t his card.  He wanted to write something clever and meaningful but was a loss for words and he realized he didn’t have a pen with him.

“Um, I need a pen,” he said.

“Here use this one,” Brittany said, “it’s pink.”

William frowned at her words making the two of them smile but when he thought about how he had reacted he opened his mouth and parted his hands in an act of confused apology to which Brittany laughed more and Mrs. Gallagher handed over her red pen.  William took it in hand and said it would work before he leaned down to write out his message but nothing sounded right and he didn’t want to take up any more of their time so he just wrote, ‘get well soon” and signed his name before handing the card over with the pen.

“Great,” Mrs. Gallagher said.  She placed the card in the envelope and sealed it.

“Hey do you think I could get a ride with you?” Brittany asked.  “I live right in Shane’s neighborhood.  Maybe I can even visit for a little.”

William said that it wouldn’t be a problem even though he felt the opposite.

“Great,” Mrs. Gallagher said, “you can both carry his books.  I didn’t know which ones he had at home to do his work so I borrowed all of them from his teachers.  He’ll need to bring them back of course.”  She pointed to the shelf by the window where eight books sat piled in the sunlight.

Pt. 12 Stay With Me- The Boy At School

William moved the food about on his plate as he sat at the dinner table with his parents.  He pushed at the collard greens with his fork.  His mother decided to start a conversation.

“I heard a boy was attacked yesterday in school.  I heard it was pretty bad.”

William’s eyebrows raised before the rest of his body.  This was it, this was the opening, this is how to do it, he thought.  I knew the boy mom, he was, is a friend of mine from the Gay-Straight Alliance, I don’t know why I went there but mom, I’m gay, really I am, it’s not a phase.  

“Apparently it was a couple of boys who attacked him.  Do you know them?”

“No,” he said, “I mean well sort of, they played sports but we weren’t, aren’t, friends or anything.”

“Did you know the boy?”  

He opened his mouth to answer that he did.

“There’s a rumor they attacked him because he’s gay.  I heard it was pretty bad.”

William inhaled deeply and looked back to his plate.  It could have been easy, he thought, but there was something in the way she said the term gay that made him uneasy.  Then there was the fact of violence.  If he said it right then she might think he could be a victim.  He looked down the table to his father who sat with an tired but inquiring expression.  But he couldn’t, didn’t want to, look his father in the eye then so he looked back to his mother.  It was easier to lie to her.

“I don’t know, I guess,” he said.  “I mean I heard that.”  He thought about taking it one step further and mentioning the rumors but then he worried that she would think it was true or possibly true and then maybe he would have deserved it.

“School is no place for fighting,” his father said.

William looked to the man who was proud of his pronouncement about the way things should be.  This was the same man who had bragged about the fights he had been in when he was young, not in school, but out of school.  The man who was proud to have been in boxing as a youth, raced his Mustang in college.

“They should have been in the ring with gloves,” his father added.

“Honey,” his mother replied stopping his pontificating.

William felt the urge to speak, to explain somehow to his parents how things actually were.  

“It wouldn’t have even been a fair fight,” he said.  “The guy who got beat up is like a hundred pounds soaking wet.  The other guys are real jocks on the wrestling team, baseball team.”  The thought of them, all of them at school the next day, the day after that made his blood rush to the skin.  If he had been there he would have had to fight them, all of them, and it wasn’t going away.  It was something he would have to deal with the rest of his life.

“Well, I just meant that we used to have rules about these things,” his father said.

“Do kids like him get bullied a lot?” his mother asked.

The question struck a nerve in William’s body.  Was he a kid like him?  He could have been, maybe he should have been.  He didn’t want anything to be wrong with it.  He thought about telling them about how kids like him get bullied, kids like him get attacked and pushed around in the halls, but he had a sinking feeling in his stomach.  

“I don’t know,” William said.  “I mean yeah, kids get picked on but it’s not always just kids like him.  I mean nobody really means anything by it.”

“Well those boys certainly meant something by it.”  William looked up to his mother who had somehow, he felt, gotten the upper hand in the conversation.  “And I don’t want to hear about you taking part in something like that.”

He furrowed his brows and he felt his heart quiver inside his chest.  He was shocked that his mother could have shown compassion yet think that he might have or could be involved in something like that.  He thought about the locker room with all the guys and Shane in the hospital.  He didn’t think he could have attacked him but he had taken place in other acts of hazing and other acts of violence, subtle things.  Would he have defended Shane in that locker room or watched his friend get beaten?  He didn’t want to answer the question.

Pt. 11 Stay With Me- Shane's Home

It was a strange drive as William tried to remember the way but as he pulled in front of Shane’s house he was happy that he was able to remember the route.  He got out of his car and walked to the front door where called Shane instead of ringing the doorbell.  He heard Shane pick up and a grunt.

“Sorry,” William said.  “Hey, I’m outside.”

In a few moments the front door opened and Shane stood on the other side smiling as best he could as he signaled for William to come inside.  Shane had less bandages on his face but the swelling was still significant, the skin was purple, black, blue, and yellow but both of his eyes were uncovered.  But he had an energy that was unmistakeable.  William stepped to the door, smiled back, and then entered.

“You look good,” William said.  He was suddenly aware Shane couldn’t answer him back.  “School sucked so you got that going for you.”

Shane nodded then signaled that William should follow him farther into the house.  It was an over decorated, over furnished house that William realized had a family room, a living room, three bedrooms, and a small office.  Nearly every room had a ceiling fan.  It was cluttered but it was also very clean.  

Shane’s mother stood in the kitchen reading directions in a cookbook as the partially mixed ingredients of a cake sat in front of her on the counter.  She smiled to William as he entered and asked him if he wanted anything to drink.

“No thanks,” William said.

“Are you sure?”

William nodded.

“Well are you staying for dinner then?”

Shane made an noise from his throat that William thought sounded like ‘mom’ which made him smirk that he would respond like that with his mouth wired shut.

“Ignore him,” she said.

He waved away the invitation and said, “I couldn’t.”

“We’re having cake,” she said.  Shane sagged his shoulders at the comment and she smiled.  “Well, everyone except Shane.  It’s his younger brother’s idea because Shane here gets to drink all the ice cream he wants all day long along with protein shakes and whatever else.  We have to make sure he doesn’t lose weight.”

Shane pursed his lips and furrowed his brows as he looked to William who smiled back.  Then he signaled for them to continue through the house.

“It’s tempting,” William said.

Shane moved to him and took hold of his hand then began to pull gently.

William knew he could win in the tug of war but he decided to go along with the gesture suddenly happy that he was holding Shane’s hand as he was led into the living room where the television was already on and what looked like a shake in a glass awaited them on the coffee table.  Shane looked back to the kitchen then pulled his phone from his pocket and gestured for William to get his out as well.

My little brother is in his room.  So we can watch some television.

William looked around the room.  He didn’t know what he had expected but somehow watching television wasn’t it.  He was glad when Shane sat then typed him another message.

Don’t worry.  Everyone knows I’m gay.

William felt his face blush as if he had just been caught at something.

Don’t worry.  They don’t know if you’re gay.

William sat down beside him.

You didn’t tell them?

Should I?

Shane motioned as if he was going to yell out to the house but all that happened was he made low groans.  William laughed then typed on his phone.

You’re such a dork.

Shane read the message and nodded.  William shook his head.

Anyone say anything at school?

To me?  No.

Good.  I heard they got suspended.  My mother says they are considering expelling them but she doubts that will happen because they're jocks.

William read the message and his heart sunk.  It may very well be true especially in a small town.  It was one thing to fight but this was a brutal attack.  He let his thumbs drift over the keypad as he was unsure how to respond.

“You boys are so quiet.”

William was startled by Shane’s mother’s words and looked to her.

“Sorry,” she said.

“We’re texting,” he replied then held up his phone.

“Kids,” she said.  “Though I guess in this case it’s a good thing.  Are you sure I can’t get you anything.  Shane you should really finish your shake.”

Shane looked to his phone and typed out a message for William to read out loud.

“He says he doesn’t want it anymore,” William said.

She shook her head and moved to the table where she picked up the glass and then headed back to the kitchen where he put it in the refrigerator.

Thanks.

“No problem,” William said.

Shane held up his phone and shook it at William.

“Sorry,” William said.

Shane shook his phone again then moved to type out another message.

Text it.

Okay.

So really.  No one said anything?

Not really.

William hated himself in that moment for lying about what he had heard and even though part of him felt Shane might be amused by the rumors he didn't want to be the one to say.

Too bad.

They probably will tomorrow.  Are you coming back to school?

Shane shook his head.

They gave me some good pain pills and my mom wants me to stay home this week.  Maybe next too.

Too bad.

I won’t miss it.

William nodded.  He sighed at the thought of Shane being out two weeks but he could understand not wanting to come back because he had ended up in the hospital.  He could have died.

Maybe I can just come back for the GSA.  That would be funny.

William smiled to Shane.

Sounds dangerous.

Danger is my middle name.

They texted for another half hour before William felt hungry and the smell of Shane’s mother cooking wasn’t helping but he didn’t want to stay because he didn’t want to explain to his family where he had been so he said that he had to leave and Shane walked him to the door.  He offered his hand to shake but Shane moved to hug him and he let it happen then he stepped out of the house and Shane watched as he walked back to his car.  He turned and looked back to house and he could make out Shane’s silhouette when his phone vibrated in his pocket.  He took it out and opened it.

Text me when you get home.

William smiled at the text then looked back up the house where he waved before turning back to his car where he got inside and drove away.

Pt. 10 Stay With Me- How's He Doing?

After lunch for the next two periods William heard more rumors about Shane and Luke and he was tempted to correct them somehow but he felt strangely guilty in the very notion that he might know Shane so he didn’t say anything.  He didn’t want to have to defend himself.  He was headed to seventh period, World History, when he saw Mrs. Gallagher in the hall and she signaled to him with a look of her eyes then a wave of her hand that she wanted to talk.  He looked up and down the hallway before making his way to her where she led him inside her classroom.  He breathed a sigh of relief when he found it was empty.

“Hi William,” she said.  “Did you hear about what happened?”

She moved into the room then leaned casually against her desk causing William to turn on the spot.  He felt lie he was giving a performance as he stood before the classroom of empty desks.  

“Actually, uh, I went to see him,” he said.  William felt tense in the throat and tried to massage it away.

“How’s he doing?”

“Shane-” William’s voice cracked and he tried to clear his throat, “he’s fine I guess.  His face is pretty bruised and his jaw is wired shut.”

“Oh my,” she said, “that bad?”

William felt uncomfortable trying to assess someone else’s situation, let alone Shane but he forced himself to speak.

“He’s a survivor.  He didn’t seem too down.  He was supposed to get out last night but I haven’t heard from him since.  He has my phone number though.”

“His mother got in contact with you then?”

“No, I just went to the hospital.  Actually Brittany told me about what happened so he must have contacted her.  She told me the hospital and where he ended up.  I just decided to go.”

She nodded.

“So you don’t have his phone number?  I just want to check up on him if it’s really as bad as you say.”

“No, I don’t have it,” William said, “I mean, I gave him my number but he hasn’t texted me yet or anything.  I don’t think he can talk.”

“Well, do you mind if I give you my number so that if you hear from him you can call me?”

“Um, no, that would be fine,” he said.

She moved around her desk and wrote out on a piece of paper her phone number then handed it over to him.

“That’s my cell phone number so, you know, discretion,” she said.

He held up the paper and said, “no problem”, before he began to walk away.  He heard the second bell for the beginning of class and rolled his eyes to the ceiling.

“Wait,” Mrs. Gallagher said, “I can give you a note.”

He thought about telling her not to worry about it but then he remembered the teacher’s policy and decided to take her up on the offer.  She was quick to write a note and sign it for him.  She stood and walked him to the door then took his elbow as he handed over the note.

“You be careful out there,” she said.

He smiled to her and shook his head as if to dismiss her concern but as he stepped into the hallway and heard the door close behind him he felt more alone than usual as he walked to class.  Before he had looked forward to seeing his friends and teammates, sure he didn’t get along with them all of the time but he wanted to see them, but things had changed.  He had a secret not many people knew about and it was something dangerous.

He sat through the next two classes in a fog, barely paying attention though that better than most even on good days.  He had long ago perfected the act of looking curious and interested while thinking about something else, though he couldn’t focus on anyone thing in particular.

When the day ended he walked to his car and sat in the driver’s seat for a long time as he waited for the rest of the cars to leave.  They had nearly all gone when his phone buzzed to life frightening him.  He pulled it from his pocket and looked to the display where he saw a text from a number not in his phonebook.  It had to be Shane.  He smiled and opened the message.

Figured you’d be out of school. Has that nightmare ended?

William opened a response and quickly typed with two thumbs.

It ended. Too slow of course.

Anyone talking about me?

William looked up from the phone to the nearly empty parking lot and over to the school building where he saw only a few students hanging around after the buses had left.  He thought about telling Shane what he had heard but he didn’t know how he would take it so he decided to be vague.

Rumors. Nothing 2 bad.

Good. Want to come over?