Sunday, October 26, 2014

Pt 17 Stay With Me - Breaking Hearts

As close as they felt hugging each other William felt impossibly far away the next morning when he awoke to find himself in his own bed, his own house.  There was a lot to lose for him by coming out and graduation from high school was so close.  He felt that he had worked too hard to give it up now, over something he felt, something he couldn’t define, something people didn’t respect.  It was a flaw to be gay, he thought.  And what is gay anyway?  It’s a label. 

And maybe he wasn’t gay anyway, maybe he was bisexual.  It was a lot to give up, a lot to risk over something he doubted, but then he thought about Shane.  He thought about the feeling of his warm body and the way he wanted to stay there in his embrace, but it wouldn’t last.  Shane was a Freshman.  He was a graduating Senior.  He was going off to college. 

He forced those thoughts to the back of his mind.  He threw aside his covers and got up from his bed, rubbed at his eyes, and went through the motions of getting ready for school.  Forty-five minutes later his mind was empty as he drove.  It was an easy familiar route and he got there five minutes earlier than usual so he got a better parking spot, but he had time to kill.

The thoughts returned so he opened his car door and got out, started walking.  He circled the high school, by the time he got back to the entrance he found people had gathered.  He went to his usual spot, leaned against the wall.  He was ready for another day.  Then his pocket vibrated.  It was his phone.  He pulled it from his pocket and checked the message.

<Good morning. Want to hang out after school?>

William looked around at the other students before he shrugged his shoulders.  He pulled up a response.

<Yeah sure> - William

<It’ll be fun> - Shane

<I’m looking forward to it.> - William

He adjusted the settings for his phone so it wouldn’t make a sound and wouldn’t vibrate, then put it back in his pocket.  They need a ‘school’ setting instead of an ‘airplane’ setting, he thought.

After four years, well more actually, it all felt so routine for William.  He made it through the day without thinking too much.  By eighth period the last thirty minutes felt like torture.  He decided to hurry them along and asked for the hallway pass.  In the hall he checked both directions, picked a direction and began to walk.  He pulled out his phone as he did.  There were two messages from Shane and two messages from Josh. 

<We should watch a movie> - Shane

<We should go for a walk, maybe go to the park> - Shane

<Want to play some basketball?> - Josh

<After school. At the basketball courts. be there or be gay> - Josh

William groaned at the last message before he stopped and moved to the lockers.  It was meant as a joke, yet it burned as if it had been said in person.  He felt like crushing his phone with his bare hands but stopped himself, took a deep breath.  He leaned back against them and pulled up a response to Shane.

<Sorry can’t make it. Something came up. Maybe some other time.> - William

He put the phone away and continued on his errand.  After he had used the restroom, on his way back, he thought about checking his phone but didn’t.  He wanted to be with Shane and he wanted to be with Josh for very different reasons.

When he got back to class he managed to block the thoughts out until the end of the period.  He knew he was supposed to go to the basketball courts, but really he wanted to be with Shane.  He walked back to his locker, dropped his books inside, and locked it.  He thought about basketball, a good distraction, he thought.  He took a deep breath and puffed up his shoulders, but then he saw Shane at the end of the hallway with his phone in his hand.  He saw Shane type, then look up.  He wondered for a moment why his phone didn’t go off before he remembered the settings.  He took it out and checked the message.

<What’s going on?> Shane

He thought about lying.  He tried to think of some good excuse.  All of it was possible until he felt someone grab hold of him from behind, someone else slapped him on the ass, and he let out a yell.  It was Josh and his other friends from the basketball team.

“Come on homo, let’s go shoot some hoops,” Josh said.

William smiled and looked amongst his teammates as they grouped around him.  He tried to look past their heads to Shane but he quickly lost track of him. 

“Last one there is captain of the skins team,” Josh said.

They all began to run.  William looked one last time for Shane but couldn’t find him so he broke into a jog, readied himself to slow if a teacher saw him, but it was short distance to an exit, and there he broke into a run to try and catch up to his teammates.

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