William found that he had been holding his breath since he had entered the hospital room and when he saw Shane’s mother there he stopped. The curtain was partially pulled alongside the bed to divide the room. He couldn’t see Shane so that meant Shane couldn’t see him. He wanted to turn around and walk out of the room but she saw him, her eyes were locked on him in a focused stare. He raised his hand in an impotent gesture, held it there and she smiled back at him.
She was not the woman he had imagined. The woman that sat before him was large, obese but in a complimentary way as if that was who she was supposed to be. She wasn’t ugly. She was ordinary.
“Hi,” he said.
“Shane you have a visitor,” she said, “come on in.”
He walked past the first bed, past the curtain and stopped when he saw Shane as he lay in bed with his chest partially inclined and his face mangled. His left eye was swollen shut in a grotesque, seemingly impossible fashion, a cut along his cheek, lips were cracked, red, and puffy. His jaw strangely fixed into position. Shane raised a hand in an attempt to wave at him and William couldn’t help but wince at the site.
“Are you a friend from school?” his mother asked.
William nodded.
“You’ll have to tell me your name. He can’t talk.”
“I’m William.”
“My name is Anne.”
“He can’t talk?”
“His jaw had to be wired shut because of what those other boys did to him.”
William didn’t know what to say. Those boys, he knew those boys, they were two members of the basketball team he was a part of and one kid who was on the wrestling team. They were mostly nice guys. Or at least they had been nice guys. They got rowdy sometimes, a little out of control, and they talked more than they were really mean, at least he had always thought that but then there was Shane there in bed.
“They kicked him and threw him around that locker room like a rag doll and the other students didn’t do anything. They just watched and some even took pictures of it as it was happening. They say Shane tried to fight back but he was no match for them. It could have cost him his life.”
William swallowed hard. He felt compelled to speak. He wanted to say something passionate, something that showed sympathy, but he also felt strangely political as he stood there because to anyone else he could have been one of those boys.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
Shane’s mother looked to him and he shook his head.
“No, I just mean...”
“It’s okay,” she said.
“Are you in class together?”
William looked from Shane to his mother where he suddenly wondered just how much she knew about her son. Did she know he was part of the ‘Gay-Straight Alliance’? Did she know that he was gay? He didn’t want to out him to his mother, at least not like this.
“Yeah, we go to class together,” he said.
“And you came here to check on him?”
William nodded.
“We’re friends,” he said.
“Oh, that’s nice.”
Shane looked back at him from his one good eye and his hands flexed as if trying to distribute pain, to banish it and send it out from his body.
“Is he in a lot of pain?”
She nodded.
“He’s in a lot of pain. They have the intravenous injections but they wear off.” She looked to Shane. “Do you want your friend to stay a while?”
Shane nodded.
“Do you want me to leave for a little while?”
He nodded again.
She leaned in an kissed him on his forehead then made her way past William and out of the room. Shane pointed to the chair and William moved to it then sat.
William had never been in a hospital before let alone for someone he knew, someone his age, a classmate. He balled his toes inside his shoes.
Shane picked up a small tablet and pen that was in reach of his hand on the bed and began to write in a quick scribble. He held out the paper for William.
How are you?
William smiled.
“I’m fine,” he said.
Shane wrote again.
Sorry we had to meet like this.
William shook his head.
Don’t feel bad.
Shane looked to William and saw that he was on the verge of crying. There was a calm, desperate feeling in the room, the empty space between people and things felt huge for both of them.
Would you hold my hand?
William smiled and he began to cry as he reached forward onto the bed and took Shane’s hand in his own. Shane’s hand was strangely cold, bonier than he had expected but welcoming just the same as they worked their fingers into a grasp.
“I’m sorry,” William said.
Shane shook his head and looked ready to write something else but William held on to his hand.
“Don’t worry about.”
They sat in silence for another ten minutes when William heard Shane’s mother walking into the room and he immediately pulled his hand back afraid that she might see for too many reasons. He wasn’t sure if Shane was out to her. He wasn’t sure if it was what two young men did. He didn’t want to be seen as being weak. He didn’t want to be seen as being gay. He looked to Shane who looked to his mother.
She reached for her son’s foot and touched it before looking to William.
“I know that Shane is very excited to see you but it’s going to be a long night for him and the nurse is on his way with another shot of medicine so...”
William nodded and stood. He wiped his hands on his jeans.
“If you want to leave us your phone number then maybe you guys can text back and forth?”
“Yeah, that’s fine,” William said before he picked up the pen and paper from the bed and wrote out his number. “Text me any time.”
Shane reached out his hand and William took it briefly before he stepped away down the side of the bed and around Anne then to the doorway where he stopped. He put his hands in his pockets and looked back. There was nothing more to be done here so he had to keep moving. He turned and walked from the room.
*****
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