Pt. 5 Stay With Me- William, GSA

After practice with a habit of minding his own business William changed and slipped out of the locker room with barely an acknowledgment from his teammates.  He had never been a captain or one to brag just a stoic, regular, dependable guy so it was no big deal.  He walked to his car wishing that Shane was waiting for him, or someone, someone to talk to.  

He followed a familiar pattern of roads never going more than ten miles over the speed limit all the way home.  As usual he was the first back so he went about his chores.  First he started the oven then he decided to do laundry.  He shared a hamper with his brother who put most of his socks and underwear in it but had to search about the room for a few strays.  He dropped it all into the washer and started the machine.  Another meal from the freezer in the warming oven and he set the timer.  

He had thirty minutes of free time so he made his way back to his room where he dropped his bag, put the door stop on the inside against his bedroom door to keep anyone out and went to his computer.  He opened his messenger and when he saw that Shane wasn’t online so he changed his settings on his web browser and typed in the address of his favorite porno site.  


A familiar splash page warning about underage users and then he was in looking at all the previews.  Men and women, women and women, all familiar patterns of flesh that made him horny.  He was deep in thought when his phone began to ring.  He was ready to ignore it when it stopped and then started again immediately.  He pulled the phone from his pocket and saw Brad was calling.  He flipped it open and placed the speaker to his ear.

“Dude what’s this I hear you were at a Gay-Straight Alliance?” Brad asked.

“What?  Where did you hear that?”

“Don’t worry where I heard it.  People are talking.”

“People?  What people?”

“Just tell me it’s because of a girl man.  Some freshman pussy dragged you in there.  It’s okay if that’s the case.”

“And if it’s not?”

There was a silence.

“What if I just went there because I wanted to go?  What if I thought it was a good cause?”

“You queer?  You can tell me.”

“I just thought I would go,” William replied.  His face was getting really red and somehow he wasn’t afraid at that moment.  He was angry.  “It is a gay, straight alliance you know.”

“So you’re straight?  Then why would you go?”

“I don’t know.”

I need to get him off my back, William thought, but I need him to still be my friend and to trust me.  Trust me?  What if I lie to him now?  But what if I tell him I’m queer and he never wants to be my friend?  Why does it matter?  He needed a reason.

“Look, I heard they were giving out condoms,” William said.

“Condoms? What do you need condoms for?”

“Making fucking water balloons.  What else?”

Brad burst into fake laughter then settled after a moment.  

“That’s good man.  But seriously if you got some chick on the side and you haven’t told me then I’m gonna kick your ass.  You got a girl or not?”

“No, not really,” William said.  “But I heard they talked about stuff you know.”

“Gay stuff,” Brad said.  “Dude if you wanted to find out about sex and get condoms then you could have just talked to me.”

“That’s kind of disgusting.”

“No more disgusting than a gay-straight alliance.”

“Whatever dude,” William replied.

“Well, I’m gonna go then but we’ll talk tomorrow.  The usual place.”

“Okay, see you tomorrow.”

He flipped the phone closed and put it back in his pocket.  He closed the pornography and was about to go check on dinner when Shane appeared on the messenger.  A window popped up instantly with the message, “hello!”

William sighed.  He clicked on the window and readied himself to type back when he decided he had other priorities.  He set his messenger to away then went to check on dinner.  He was bent over in front of the oven when the front door opened and he readied himself for the onslaught that was his family.  His brother kicked off his shoes just inside the door and ran back to their room.  His baby sister was crying and his father was fussing with her to try to satisfy her.  He walked into the kitchen with her on his hip.

“How’s it going pal?” his father asked.

William looked to him and smiled.  A fake smile but one his father wanted to see.  

“Fine,” he answered.

“With that mustache growing in your starting to look a little Mexican.  A tall Mexican but still... I’m just kidding you.  It’s those Italian ancestors.”

“That got fucked by the Moores,” William responded.  His heart sunk as soon as he said it.

“Hey, careful young man.  That’s fine in the locker room but don’t curse around your brother and your little sister.”

“Yeah,” William said.  “So dinner is almost ready.  I am going back to my room to make sure Bobby isn’t wrecking anything.”

“Just make sure to come back and check on dinner.  Your sister is acting up tonight.  I don’t think daycare went too well.”

“Okay,” William said before slipping away on his socks.

He slid down the hallway to his room where Bobby sat on his own bed in the corner of the room with a comic book in hand dressed in his boxers.  William sighed at the image and made his way to his computer where he woke it from sleep to see there was a second message from Shane.  

“Want to hang out this weekend?”

William clicked in the area to enter text.  He wanted to say that he would be there.  He wanted to type something to acknowledge the question.  But how could he do anything now?  He had to get as far away as possible or else people would find out.  It would be over after that because whatever it meant.  Gay or straight people would have their suspicions the rest of his life.  No, it wasn’t right but that’s not how life works.  There is no compassion as a general notion.  


Apathy was the general feeling.  It had to come down to something.  No, it was all gone, irretrievable.  The past was over.  He could stand and fight but could he win?  Not alone and who would stand with him?  This curse upon his head in a world of rhyme and reason, where things made sense.  But what was the curse?  To be gay?  Why?

He pushed the keyboard away and it slid out of the back of the drawer hit the wood floor and he heard the keys all pop out from their place.  He listened to them clatter to the ground he gave a silent sigh.  Well, he thought, that makes sense.

*****

As William drove to school the next day he couldn’t help but wonder why people, like himself, did all the things that were wrong to do.  Why did he go to the club after school?  Why didn’t he say he would hang out with Shane?  Why did he have to keep lying?  Lying about what?  What did it mean to be gay anyway?  Did you have to have sex with a guy once, twice?  What if he did it and he didn’t like it?  Could he have sex with a woman and what if he liked it?  What if she liked it and wanted a relationship?  Could he go back?

No, there was only going forward.  To travel in one direction through time was both a gift and a curse.  The future was always there for you to fix but the past was always something that followed you somehow in record and memory.

He made it to his locker without seeing either Shane or Brad and he grabbed his books for his first class and was ready to make a dash to hideout in the homeroom when he heard Shane call to him.  He had been early enough to miss Brad but Shane, well he hadn’t counted on Shane to track him down.

“Hey how’s it going?” Shane asked.

“Fine, I guess.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.  I just... I don’t know.  Listen can we talk later?” William asked.

“Yeah, that’s fine.  But you know I messaged you last night and you didn’t respond so I thought, you know I’d... I don’t know I did something wrong.”

William looked around the hall.  He couldn’t make sense of who was looking at them and if they cared so he looked back to Shane.

“Listen, I don’t think I can hang out with you.  I mean, well, it’s just I shouldn’t have gone to the club.  It was just something to do and now that I have basketball I really have to train everyday.”

“So you’re not coming back to the club?”

“No, I can’t.  I mean it wouldn’t be right.  The club is for you know... gay people and I’m not--”

“--it’s for straight people too.  That’s why it’s a gay-straight alliance but if you don’t want to be there and you don’t want to be my friend then that’s fine.”

“No, I just.  I mean I can’t come to the club.”

“So do you want to hang out with me?”

William felt his body warm and he was sure his skin was crimson.  His hands felt sweaty so he wiped them against his jeans.  He had to get out of this.  He couldn’t be seen by Brad or anyone else.  He regretted it but he had to get out.

“I can’t.  I mean like I said I have to practice and now when I’m not practicing I have school work and my brother and sister, my parents are wanting me to babysit more.”

Shane stepped back with a decisive look in his eye.

“I get it,” he said.  “You don’t want to be friends with me.  Look you don’t have to apologize.  I’ve been treated like this my whole life.  It’s no big deal because I don’t want to be friends with a liar.”

Shane turned on his heels and walked away.  William watched him go but he couldn’t say anything.  That was done with, he thought.  Gone and now he could move on with his life.  He turned back to his locker, closed the door and locked it.  Now he had to fix the rest of his life.