Pt. 11 Stay With Me- Shane's Home

It was a strange drive as William tried to remember the way but as he pulled in front of Shane’s house he was happy that he was able to remember the route.  He got out of his car and walked to the front door where called Shane instead of ringing the doorbell.  He heard Shane pick up and a grunt.

“Sorry,” William said.  “Hey, I’m outside.”

In a few moments the front door opened and Shane stood on the other side smiling as best he could as he signaled for William to come inside.  Shane had less bandages on his face but the swelling was still significant, the skin was purple, black, blue, and yellow but both of his eyes were uncovered.  But he had an energy that was unmistakeable.  William stepped to the door, smiled back, and then entered.

“You look good,” William said.  He was suddenly aware Shane couldn’t answer him back.  “School sucked so you got that going for you.”

Shane nodded then signaled that William should follow him farther into the house.  It was an over decorated, over furnished house that William realized had a family room, a living room, three bedrooms, and a small office.  Nearly every room had a ceiling fan.  It was cluttered but it was also very clean.  

Shane’s mother stood in the kitchen reading directions in a cookbook as the partially mixed ingredients of a cake sat in front of her on the counter.  She smiled to William as he entered and asked him if he wanted anything to drink.

“No thanks,” William said.

“Are you sure?”

William nodded.

“Well are you staying for dinner then?”

Shane made an noise from his throat that William thought sounded like ‘mom’ which made him smirk that he would respond like that with his mouth wired shut.

“Ignore him,” she said.

He waved away the invitation and said, “I couldn’t.”

“We’re having cake,” she said.  Shane sagged his shoulders at the comment and she smiled.  “Well, everyone except Shane.  It’s his younger brother’s idea because Shane here gets to drink all the ice cream he wants all day long along with protein shakes and whatever else.  We have to make sure he doesn’t lose weight.”

Shane pursed his lips and furrowed his brows as he looked to William who smiled back.  Then he signaled for them to continue through the house.

“It’s tempting,” William said.

Shane moved to him and took hold of his hand then began to pull gently.

William knew he could win in the tug of war but he decided to go along with the gesture suddenly happy that he was holding Shane’s hand as he was led into the living room where the television was already on and what looked like a shake in a glass awaited them on the coffee table.  Shane looked back to the kitchen then pulled his phone from his pocket and gestured for William to get his out as well.

My little brother is in his room.  So we can watch some television.

William looked around the room.  He didn’t know what he had expected but somehow watching television wasn’t it.  He was glad when Shane sat then typed him another message.

Don’t worry.  Everyone knows I’m gay.

William felt his face blush as if he had just been caught at something.

Don’t worry.  They don’t know if you’re gay.

William sat down beside him.

You didn’t tell them?

Should I?

Shane motioned as if he was going to yell out to the house but all that happened was he made low groans.  William laughed then typed on his phone.

You’re such a dork.

Shane read the message and nodded.  William shook his head.

Anyone say anything at school?

To me?  No.

Good.  I heard they got suspended.  My mother says they are considering expelling them but she doubts that will happen because they're jocks.

William read the message and his heart sunk.  It may very well be true especially in a small town.  It was one thing to fight but this was a brutal attack.  He let his thumbs drift over the keypad as he was unsure how to respond.

“You boys are so quiet.”

William was startled by Shane’s mother’s words and looked to her.

“Sorry,” she said.

“We’re texting,” he replied then held up his phone.

“Kids,” she said.  “Though I guess in this case it’s a good thing.  Are you sure I can’t get you anything.  Shane you should really finish your shake.”

Shane looked to his phone and typed out a message for William to read out loud.

“He says he doesn’t want it anymore,” William said.

She shook her head and moved to the table where she picked up the glass and then headed back to the kitchen where he put it in the refrigerator.

Thanks.

“No problem,” William said.

Shane held up his phone and shook it at William.

“Sorry,” William said.

Shane shook his phone again then moved to type out another message.

Text it.

Okay.

So really.  No one said anything?

Not really.

William hated himself in that moment for lying about what he had heard and even though part of him felt Shane might be amused by the rumors he didn't want to be the one to say.

Too bad.

They probably will tomorrow.  Are you coming back to school?

Shane shook his head.

They gave me some good pain pills and my mom wants me to stay home this week.  Maybe next too.

Too bad.

I won’t miss it.

William nodded.  He sighed at the thought of Shane being out two weeks but he could understand not wanting to come back because he had ended up in the hospital.  He could have died.

Maybe I can just come back for the GSA.  That would be funny.

William smiled to Shane.

Sounds dangerous.

Danger is my middle name.

They texted for another half hour before William felt hungry and the smell of Shane’s mother cooking wasn’t helping but he didn’t want to stay because he didn’t want to explain to his family where he had been so he said that he had to leave and Shane walked him to the door.  He offered his hand to shake but Shane moved to hug him and he let it happen then he stepped out of the house and Shane watched as he walked back to his car.  He turned and looked back to house and he could make out Shane’s silhouette when his phone vibrated in his pocket.  He took it out and opened it.

Text me when you get home.

William smiled at the text then looked back up the house where he waved before turning back to his car where he got inside and drove away.

Pt. 10 Stay With Me- How's He Doing?

After lunch for the next two periods William heard more rumors about Shane and Luke and he was tempted to correct them somehow but he felt strangely guilty in the very notion that he might know Shane so he didn’t say anything.  He didn’t want to have to defend himself.  He was headed to seventh period, World History, when he saw Mrs. Gallagher in the hall and she signaled to him with a look of her eyes then a wave of her hand that she wanted to talk.  He looked up and down the hallway before making his way to her where she led him inside her classroom.  He breathed a sigh of relief when he found it was empty.

“Hi William,” she said.  “Did you hear about what happened?”

She moved into the room then leaned casually against her desk causing William to turn on the spot.  He felt lie he was giving a performance as he stood before the classroom of empty desks.  

“Actually, uh, I went to see him,” he said.  William felt tense in the throat and tried to massage it away.

“How’s he doing?”

“Shane-” William’s voice cracked and he tried to clear his throat, “he’s fine I guess.  His face is pretty bruised and his jaw is wired shut.”

“Oh my,” she said, “that bad?”

William felt uncomfortable trying to assess someone else’s situation, let alone Shane but he forced himself to speak.

“He’s a survivor.  He didn’t seem too down.  He was supposed to get out last night but I haven’t heard from him since.  He has my phone number though.”

“His mother got in contact with you then?”

“No, I just went to the hospital.  Actually Brittany told me about what happened so he must have contacted her.  She told me the hospital and where he ended up.  I just decided to go.”

She nodded.

“So you don’t have his phone number?  I just want to check up on him if it’s really as bad as you say.”

“No, I don’t have it,” William said, “I mean, I gave him my number but he hasn’t texted me yet or anything.  I don’t think he can talk.”

“Well, do you mind if I give you my number so that if you hear from him you can call me?”

“Um, no, that would be fine,” he said.

She moved around her desk and wrote out on a piece of paper her phone number then handed it over to him.

“That’s my cell phone number so, you know, discretion,” she said.

He held up the paper and said, “no problem”, before he began to walk away.  He heard the second bell for the beginning of class and rolled his eyes to the ceiling.

“Wait,” Mrs. Gallagher said, “I can give you a note.”

He thought about telling her not to worry about it but then he remembered the teacher’s policy and decided to take her up on the offer.  She was quick to write a note and sign it for him.  She stood and walked him to the door then took his elbow as he handed over the note.

“You be careful out there,” she said.

He smiled to her and shook his head as if to dismiss her concern but as he stepped into the hallway and heard the door close behind him he felt more alone than usual as he walked to class.  Before he had looked forward to seeing his friends and teammates, sure he didn’t get along with them all of the time but he wanted to see them, but things had changed.  He had a secret not many people knew about and it was something dangerous.

He sat through the next two classes in a fog, barely paying attention though that better than most even on good days.  He had long ago perfected the act of looking curious and interested while thinking about something else, though he couldn’t focus on anyone thing in particular.

When the day ended he walked to his car and sat in the driver’s seat for a long time as he waited for the rest of the cars to leave.  They had nearly all gone when his phone buzzed to life frightening him.  He pulled it from his pocket and looked to the display where he saw a text from a number not in his phonebook.  It had to be Shane.  He smiled and opened the message.

Figured you’d be out of school. Has that nightmare ended?

William opened a response and quickly typed with two thumbs.

It ended. Too slow of course.

Anyone talking about me?

William looked up from the phone to the nearly empty parking lot and over to the school building where he saw only a few students hanging around after the buses had left.  He thought about telling Shane what he had heard but he didn’t know how he would take it so he decided to be vague.

Rumors. Nothing 2 bad.

Good. Want to come over?

Pt. 9 Stay With Me- Implications

William drove home that night thinking about Shane’s face, the boys who had beaten him, and the fact that he had to go to school the next day.  No one was looking to fight him, he thought, at least not attack him like that, at least he hoped not.  But what was it that made them attack Shane?  He hadn’t asked.  He hadn’t been able to because Shane’s mother Anne was there and he wasn’t even sure that Shane was ‘out’ to his mother.  He was out to everyone at school, at least in a subtle, insignificant way, though he had gotten bolder.

The shirt, he thought, it was because of the shirt.  If he hadn’t worn that shirt then it could have been- he stopped himself from the conclusion to that thought because the shirt didn’t cause the fight- no, it was the boys, the fear and the homophobia, but that didn’t change anything because he was going to have to see those boys, see his friends, and then they were going to know.  I never should have went, he thought, I wish I could take it all back.

That night he made his way to his bedroom, did his homework and fell asleep with a book in his hands until the morning when he was awoken by his alarm clock.  It was a day just like any other but he felt sick, a little upset stomach and a headache.  He decided to make the symptoms out to be worse than they were as he made his way to the kitchen where his parents sat eating cold cereal and grapefruit.

“I don’t feel so well,” he said.  “Can I stay home?”

His father shrugged his shoulders and said he could.  His mother didn’t seem to give it much thought until she got up to get more coffee and she moved to him as he sat on the kitchen stool.  She felt his head with her hand.

“You don’t feel very warm,” she said.

“It’s my stomach,” he said.

“I don’t know,” she responded, “better take your temperature.”

“I have a headache too,” he added.

“A headache?  Well, maybe things will change if you get moving.  No nausea?”

He shook his head but regretted it instantly.  Nausea was the one thing that could have gotten him out of going to school.

“Tough it out,” she said, “take a pill for your headache and get some good breakfast.  I’ll write you a note about being late but I want you to go to school today.”

William felt worried by the prospect yet there was little he could do unless he just refused to go but then he would need an excused absence or else his parents would find out.  He sighed.

“That’s the best we can do for you kid,” she said.

He got up and walked from the room.  His mother moved back to the kitchen table where he heard his father ask: 

“What do you think test today?”

“Yeah, probably just nerves but he’ll have to learn to get over it.”

William took a pill as his mother had recommended and decided to eat a small breakfast before heading to school where he sat through his first four classes going through the minimal interactions he needed to complete.  He felt half asleep until he got to lunch where he sat at his usual table.  A collection of preppies and jocks, boys and girls.

“Do you know Shane Farmer?”

William looked to the end of the table where his friend Brad sat. 

“I heard he got his ass kicked yesterday because he offered to suck Luke Nash’s dick.”  He let out a laugh that made William cringe.

“Really?  He’s a faggot?” one of the girls asked.

“Apparently he’s in the Gay-Straight Alliance,” Brad said.

“We have a Gay-Straight Alliance?”

“Yeah, you know about that don’t you William?”

The rest of the table looked to William who stared down the table to Brad.  He had to do something.  He thought about defending himself by reiterating the second part of that title but he didn’t feel able to speak.  He raised his hand and flicked him off.  Brad laughed.  The rest of the table laughed though they were confused about why.  Had he really been there?  Was he really gay?

“Put that bird away,” a strange adult voice said from off to the side by the wall, “before I find a cage for it in detention.”  

William retracted his hand and looked to the wall where Mr. Wozniak stood with his arms crossed.  Mr. Wozniak was his Trigonometry teacher, a man who liked giving detention and demerits but he also had a sense of humor especially about profanity.  He would be on thin ice for the rest of the day, possibly the rest of the week.  Brad began to laugh even more making William look back in his direction.

Pt. 8 Stay With Me- Aftermath

A reality of small sensations was all Shane felt by the time he was ready to check out of the hospital.  An attendant wheeled him to the curb while his mother retrieved the car then the man helped him into the passenger side seat where he looked to the clock and was disappointed to see that it was after eleven and he felt hungry.  He wanted to stop at a drive-thru but felt the tension in his jaw and remembered he wouldn’t be eating solid food for weeks so he let out a grunt of anger.

“What is it?” his mother asked.

Frustrated, he shook his head and held up his hand because there was little she could do for him and there was little they could communicate as she drove.  He closed his eyes and was thankful that for once she was not persistent, too protective.  Let it go, he thought, just let it go and then he was partially asleep in a dark place where he could barely hear the world and the passage of time was unmeasurable.  He felt the vibration of the car and remembered the times he had fallen asleep in the back seat when he was young and how his father used to carry him inside to his bed then lay him out and cover him with a sheet.  His father would not be doing that tonight because he had gotten too big.  Then he was completely asleep, lost in a pleasant darkness, but somehow he still felt when the car came to a complete stop and the engine was turned off.  He shifted his shoulders and felt the reality again of his predicament.

“Shane honey, we’re here,” his mother said.

She placed a hand on his knee that made him open his eyes and sit up.  He looked to his mother who was partially lit by the white porch light.  Her face was calm.

“Come on, you’re too big for me to carry inside,” she said before turning away and opening her own door.

Shane opened his own door but he was tired and moved slowly, somehow the rest had weakened him, made him aware of all the sore parts of his body.  His mother, Anne, was quick to move to the area of the open door and hold out her hands.

“Here let me help you,” she said.

He mumbled a thank you then stepped out and leaned against her.  She moved with him away from the car, closed the car door and they began to stagger to the front door of the house when it opened and they both looked up to see his father who pushed opened the screen door and stepped onto the porch.  

“Are you guys going to be able to make it?” he asked.

“Can you come down and help us?” his mother replied.

His father stepped from the porch and walked to them then stopped and tried to assess his son’s face in the dim light.  He could make out a few marks, a swollen eye.  

“Hey buddy,” he said.

Shane grunted a hello.

“Let me pick him up,” his father said.  “I can carry him up the stairs.”

His father stepped and extended his arm down behind Shane’s knees and one around his back then lifted him from the ground and carried him up the stairs and into the house, down the hallway to Shane’s bedroom where he sat him on the bed.  Shane leaned into his knees and looked to his mother who stepped into the room.

“You should sleep now,” his mother said.  “Do you want me to get you a pain pill?”

Shane nodded and she stepped from the room.

“You’re lighter than I thought,” his father said trying to being positive.

Shane nodded.

“We’ll talk tomorrow but don’t worry you don’t have to go back to school.”

Shane looked down to the floor at his father’s bare feet.  He listened as his mother struggled to crush the pill with the butt end of a knife and his father’s breathing.  There was nothing else to be said.  There was no great thought.  Nothing that he could articulate.  Shane could have fallen asleep as he sat there but he wanted the pill.  

“Here it is,” his mother said entering the room.  She held out a glass of milk to him, a straw turned in the liquid.  “It’s the best I can do until I pick up your prescription tomorrow.”

He took the glass and stuck the straw in his lips then sucked down the milk letting it fill his mouth and worked it down his throat until the glass was empty.

“Do you want one of us to help you with your clothes?”

Shane shook his head.

“Okay dear,” she said, “we are going to go now.  Do you want us to leave the door open in case you need anything?”

He shook his head again then waited for them to leave and close the door behind them.  Once they had gone he struggled to pull off his clothes and get into bed with the covers partially covering him then turned off the light by his bed.  He wasn’t quite asleep when he heard the muffled voices of his parents talking loudly as they had done several times before and just like then he wanted to slip out of bed, sneak down the hallway to their bedroom and listen to them.  But he knew what they were talking about.  They were talking about him and part of him was afraid of what his father had to say so he decided to let it go.  

Hours later he awoke to a pain in his face, strangely the sinus cavities just behind his nose and it was enough to make him sit up, toss of his covers, and stagger from his room to the bathroom where he turned on the light and blinded himself in the process.  He closed his eyes and turned off the light.  Think, he said to himself, there has to be another way, and he remembered the bulbs above the mirror so he made his way to the sink then felt up along the wall to the switch where he turned on the light which was a softer, orange light.  He opened his eyes slowly, looked at the sink first then worked his way up to the mirror where he saw his face much as it had been in the hospital.  

Strangely as he stood before the mirror the pain subsided and for the first time he could see his body as well, black and blue marks where he had been kicked and punched, areas that had turned more than black and blue.  His skin had turned yellow, brown, and purple.

This is all real, he told himself.  Here he was in his house, in his home, with a swollen face, marks on his body.  He wanted to scream but he couldn’t.  He wanted to grab at something, hold something, break something, but it felt foolish because it would get his parents’ attention, attention he didn’t need.  He turned off the light then headed back to his room.  He stopped in the hallway when he saw his mother’s form in her bedroom doorway then continued on his way.

“Is he okay?” his father asked.

“I think he’s fine,” his mother said.  “I think he just had to use the bathroom.”

He stepped into his room, closed the door and crossed back to his bed where he resumed his best sleeping position, flat on his back.  That was how he felt the least pain.  He closed his eyes.

Pt. 7 Stay With Me- Shane, Rx

William found that he had been holding his breath since he had entered the hospital room and when he saw Shane’s mother there he stopped.  The curtain was partially pulled alongside the bed to divide the room.  He couldn’t see Shane so that meant Shane couldn’t see him.  He wanted to turn around and walk out of the room but she saw him, her eyes were locked on him in a focused stare.  He raised his hand in an impotent gesture, held it there and she smiled back at him.

She was not the woman he had imagined.  The woman that sat before him was large, obese but in a complimentary way as if that was who she was supposed to be.  She wasn’t ugly.  She was ordinary.

“Hi,” he said.

“Shane you have a visitor,” she said, “come on in.”

He walked past the first bed, past the curtain and stopped when he saw Shane as he lay in bed with his chest partially inclined and his face mangled.  His left eye was swollen shut in a grotesque, seemingly impossible fashion, a cut along his cheek, lips were cracked, red, and puffy.  His jaw strangely fixed into position.  Shane raised a hand in an attempt to wave at him and William couldn’t help but wince at the site.    

“Are you a friend from school?” his mother asked.

William nodded.

“You’ll have to tell me your name.  He can’t talk.”

“I’m William.”

“My name is Anne.”

“He can’t talk?”

“His jaw had to be wired shut because of what those other boys did to him.”

William didn’t know what to say.  Those boys, he knew those boys, they were two members of the basketball team he was a part of and one kid who was on the wrestling team.  They were mostly nice guys.  Or at least they had been nice guys.  They got rowdy sometimes, a little out of control, and they talked more than they were really mean, at least he had always thought that but then there was Shane there in bed.  

“They kicked him and threw him around that locker room like a rag doll and the other students didn’t do anything.  They just watched and some even took pictures of it as it was happening.  They say Shane tried to fight back but he was no match for them.  It could have cost him his life.”

William swallowed hard.  He felt compelled to speak.  He wanted to say something passionate, something that showed sympathy, but he also felt strangely political as he stood there because to anyone else he could have been one of those boys.

  

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Shane’s mother looked to him and he shook his head.

“No, I just mean...”

“It’s okay,” she said.

“Are you in class together?”

William looked from Shane to his mother where he suddenly wondered just how much she knew about her son.  Did she know he was part of the ‘Gay-Straight Alliance’?  Did she know that he was gay?  He didn’t want to out him to his mother, at least not like this.

“Yeah, we go to class together,” he said.

“And you came here to check on him?”

William nodded.

“We’re friends,” he said.

“Oh, that’s nice.”

Shane looked back at him from his one good eye and his hands flexed as if trying to distribute pain, to banish it and send it out from his body.

“Is he in a lot of pain?”

She nodded.

“He’s in a lot of pain.  They have the intravenous injections but they wear off.”  She looked to Shane.  “Do you want your friend to stay a while?”

Shane nodded.

“Do you want me to leave for a little while?”

He nodded again.

She leaned in an kissed him on his forehead then made her way past William and out of the room.  Shane pointed to the chair and William moved to it then sat.  

William had never been in a hospital before let alone for someone he knew, someone his age, a classmate.  He balled his toes inside his shoes.

Shane picked up a small tablet and pen that was in reach of his hand on the bed and began to write in a quick scribble.  He held out the paper for William.

How are you?

William smiled.

“I’m fine,” he said.

Shane wrote again.

Sorry we had to meet like this.

William shook his head.

Don’t feel bad.  

Shane looked to William and saw that he was on the verge of crying.  There was a calm, desperate feeling in the room, the empty space between people and things felt huge for both of them.

Would you hold my hand?

William smiled and he began to cry as he reached forward onto the bed and took Shane’s hand in his own.  Shane’s hand was strangely cold, bonier than he had expected but welcoming just the same as they worked their fingers into a grasp.

“I’m sorry,” William said.

Shane shook his head and looked ready to write something else but William held on to his hand.

“Don’t worry about.”

They sat in silence for another ten minutes when William heard Shane’s mother walking into the room and he immediately pulled his hand back afraid that she might see for too many reasons.  He wasn’t sure if Shane was out to her.  He wasn’t sure if it was what two young men did.  He didn’t want to be seen as being weak.  He didn’t want to be seen as being gay.  He looked to Shane who looked to his mother.

She reached for her son’s foot and touched it before looking to William.

“I know that Shane is very excited to see you but it’s going to be a long night for him and the nurse is on his way with another shot of medicine so...”

William nodded and stood.  He wiped his hands on his jeans.

“If you want to leave us your phone number then maybe you guys can text back and forth?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” William said before he picked up the pen and paper from the bed and wrote out his number.  “Text me any time.”

Shane reached out his hand and William took it briefly before he stepped away down the side of the bed and around Anne then to the doorway where he stopped.  He put his hands in his pockets and looked back.  There was nothing more to be done here so he had to keep moving.  He turned and walked from the room.

*****

Pt. 6 Stay With Me- Shane Confronts a Bully

Important Note: The following scenes contain violence and homophobic slurs.  Unfortunately both really happen.

"Faggot."

Luke’s hand hit Shane square in the chest and knocked him back against the locker.  His ribs burned from the hit but he looked his bully in the eye.  Nearly a foot taller than Shane and eighty pounds of muscle heavier it wouldn’t have been anything close to a fair fight but he decided to stand his ground.  If it came down to it he could use the self-defense moves he had learned from the repeat of the Roseanne when she went with her sister to self-defense class.  

“What’s that arrow supposed to mean?”

“Exactly what it says,” Shane replied.

“You faggots today with all your rights,” Luke said.  He reached out and grabbed Shane by the shirt and pulled him from the locker to raise him in the air until just his toes touched the ground.  Shane could hear the fabric seams begin to snap.

It was an impulse and Shane took a swing at the other boy’s crotch with his fist but hit his thigh instead.  Luke laughed back at first then became very serious as he pulled Shane closer.  

“This little faggot just tried to take a swing at my nuts,” Luke said.

“Did he try and grab them or just punch ‘em,” someone called out from the growing audience.

“Good question, so what is it faggot?”

Shane knew it was coming but as he looked back in the boy’s eyes he knew that the pain of recovery was worse than the pain of being hit.  Being hit was some kind of momentary event that left a lasting mark.  He had been through it all before but somehow he thought it wouldn’t happen again.  He wished it wouldn’t happen again.

“You really need a breath mint,” Shane responded.

“Funny guy,” Luke said.  “And that’s a funny shirt you’re wearing.  But you know what maybe I want to be a funny guy so give it to me.”

“Get bent,” Shane said.

“Still not laughing,” Luke said.  And with that he twisted the boy around by the neck of his shirt and threw him to the ground.  He was on him instantly and it was easy to overpower him and rip away his shirt.  Luke stood with the shredded cloth in his hand with a grin on his face.  “Now it’s my shirt and if I catch you wearing anything else I don’t like then I’m going to rip those off as well.”

Shane tried to stand and Luke watched him.  Barely to his feet Luke shoved him and knocked him back into a bench.  

"Why are you always on me?" Shane said.

The other guys were watching as they eyed each other.

"I'm not always on you.  I just don't like little runts who are always bragging about being a little faggot."

"I'm not bragging.  I'm just being myself," Shane said.

"Well then I don't like who you are."

Shane stood his ground but he wasn't sure what to do.  Luke's physical attack had ceased and there was a feeling that nothing more would happen but he wasn't sure.  Luke could be after him just as easily as before.

"Screw you faggot," Luke said before turning away.

He knew he should have let it drop and he fought the urge to say what he thought but it still slipped out.  "You'd like that," he said.

Luke turned on him with a renewed anger.

"Wait," Shane said.