Shane hid between the lockers with his back to the wall. There was no response from William and he was certain there wouldn’t be one. He had seen him with his friends. He had seen the basketball and the way they were goofing around. He knew what they were up to and he was jealous.
Against his better judgment Shane found himself walking in the opposite direction he normally walked home after school, down to the basketball courts where he could already hear the thud of the ball and the shouts of the players. He walked to the fence where he could make out the two teams, skins and shirts. William was on the skins.
He smirked at the sight but corrected himself quickly and masked his interest with his face of disinterest. It was a practiced face. He moved closer, took hold of the chain link. William was easy to spot being one of the tallest.
Shirtless, Shane at last could see his muscled body. He noted the young man’s biceps and developed chest that had a slight amount of hair. William was an aggressive player and his muscles flexed with every movement. This would be erotic if it weren’t so damn frustrating, he thought. He wished for a moment he could be on the other side but then the boys noticed him there and he felt panic.
There’s the faggot, he thought. It was only a matter of time before they began to taunt him, before they called him names. It was only a matter of time and he could do nothing more but grunt. He thought about his last fight. He thought about the hospital. He rubbed at his chin.
They were faster, stronger, and more aggressive. He swallowed and stepped back from the fence before he turned away and began to walk. He wished William would call out to him. He wished William would come running.
Those things didn’t happen in real life, he told himself. Fantasy is another disappointment, there should be no expectations. He just kept moving one foot after another until they were all behind him.
He wished he didn’t feel so vulnerable. He wished there was some way to defend himself. Other people want guns and knives, baseball bats, but he told himself it shouldn’t have to come to that. No, he needed something else. That’s when he thought of taking Karate lessons.
It didn’t take him long to get home. When he did he dropped his bag by the door and kicked off his shoes before he went to find his mother in the living room doing needle point. He found a piece of paper and a marker then moved to sit beside her.
“How are you today?” she asked.
He grunted and shrugged his shoulders before he pulled off the cap and writing out a short message. He held it up for her. It was a request to take Karate.
“Oh, honey,” she said.
She reached for his head, ran her fingers through his hair, until he pulled away. He held the paper so she could see it clearly and tapped against it with the marker. She frowned and put down what she had been doing.
“We’ll talk about it with your father,” she said.
He dropped the paper and marker on the coffee table before he got up with a grunt. His one good thought seemed to be defeated. But what could he have expected from her? He turned and walked away from her, retrieved his bag, and climbed the stairs to his room where he tossed his bag on his bed and instinctively pulled out his phone to check for messages.
There could only be one person who would text me and he’s on the basketball court trying not to be a homosexual, he thought. I’m such a fool. He tossed the phone next to his bag and went to his computer for some kind of escape.
Hours later as he was involved in a game his mother called to him from downstairs. He pulled off his headphones and paused the game before he got up and went back down to find both of his parents in the living room. He stepped into the doorway.
“Hello there,” his father said.
Shane raised his hand to signal hello before he stuck both of his hands in his pockets and began to rock on his feet.
“Your mother showed me your note. We’re not sure if it’s a good idea. It’s a lot of training and I’m not sure how useful it would be.”
Shane grunted.
“What I mean is I had another idea. It’s actually something I’ve been thinking about for some time. I was thinking you could take self-defense classes. It wouldn’t be about black belts and all of that. It would be practical.”
Shane lifted his eyebrows and the thought. He hadn’t thought of something so simple. He had thought of action movies. Self-defense could be useful, he thought. He nodded to them.
“Come here,” his father said.
Shane walked to them. Each gave him a hug.
“Maybe your brother can go too,” his mother said.
Shane rolled his eyes.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Pt 17 Stay With Me - Breaking Hearts
As close as they felt hugging each other William felt impossibly far away the next morning when he awoke to find himself in his own bed, his own house. There was a lot to lose for him by coming out and graduation from high school was so close. He felt that he had worked too hard to give it up now, over something he felt, something he couldn’t define, something people didn’t respect. It was a flaw to be gay, he thought. And what is gay anyway? It’s a label.
And maybe he wasn’t gay anyway, maybe he was bisexual. It was a lot to give up, a lot to risk over something he doubted, but then he thought about Shane. He thought about the feeling of his warm body and the way he wanted to stay there in his embrace, but it wouldn’t last. Shane was a Freshman. He was a graduating Senior. He was going off to college.
He forced those thoughts to the back of his mind. He threw aside his covers and got up from his bed, rubbed at his eyes, and went through the motions of getting ready for school. Forty-five minutes later his mind was empty as he drove. It was an easy familiar route and he got there five minutes earlier than usual so he got a better parking spot, but he had time to kill.
The thoughts returned so he opened his car door and got out, started walking. He circled the high school, by the time he got back to the entrance he found people had gathered. He went to his usual spot, leaned against the wall. He was ready for another day. Then his pocket vibrated. It was his phone. He pulled it from his pocket and checked the message.
<Good morning. Want to hang out after school?>
William looked around at the other students before he shrugged his shoulders. He pulled up a response.
<Yeah sure> - William
<It’ll be fun> - Shane
<I’m looking forward to it.> - William
He adjusted the settings for his phone so it wouldn’t make a sound and wouldn’t vibrate, then put it back in his pocket. They need a ‘school’ setting instead of an ‘airplane’ setting, he thought.
After four years, well more actually, it all felt so routine for William. He made it through the day without thinking too much. By eighth period the last thirty minutes felt like torture. He decided to hurry them along and asked for the hallway pass. In the hall he checked both directions, picked a direction and began to walk. He pulled out his phone as he did. There were two messages from Shane and two messages from Josh.
<We should watch a movie> - Shane
<We should go for a walk, maybe go to the park> - Shane
<Want to play some basketball?> - Josh
<After school. At the basketball courts. be there or be gay> - Josh
William groaned at the last message before he stopped and moved to the lockers. It was meant as a joke, yet it burned as if it had been said in person. He felt like crushing his phone with his bare hands but stopped himself, took a deep breath. He leaned back against them and pulled up a response to Shane.
<Sorry can’t make it. Something came up. Maybe some other time.> - William
He put the phone away and continued on his errand. After he had used the restroom, on his way back, he thought about checking his phone but didn’t. He wanted to be with Shane and he wanted to be with Josh for very different reasons.
When he got back to class he managed to block the thoughts out until the end of the period. He knew he was supposed to go to the basketball courts, but really he wanted to be with Shane. He walked back to his locker, dropped his books inside, and locked it. He thought about basketball, a good distraction, he thought. He took a deep breath and puffed up his shoulders, but then he saw Shane at the end of the hallway with his phone in his hand. He saw Shane type, then look up. He wondered for a moment why his phone didn’t go off before he remembered the settings. He took it out and checked the message.
<What’s going on?> Shane
He thought about lying. He tried to think of some good excuse. All of it was possible until he felt someone grab hold of him from behind, someone else slapped him on the ass, and he let out a yell. It was Josh and his other friends from the basketball team.
“Come on homo, let’s go shoot some hoops,” Josh said.
William smiled and looked amongst his teammates as they grouped around him. He tried to look past their heads to Shane but he quickly lost track of him.
“Last one there is captain of the skins team,” Josh said.
They all began to run. William looked one last time for Shane but couldn’t find him so he broke into a jog, readied himself to slow if a teacher saw him, but it was short distance to an exit, and there he broke into a run to try and catch up to his teammates.
And maybe he wasn’t gay anyway, maybe he was bisexual. It was a lot to give up, a lot to risk over something he doubted, but then he thought about Shane. He thought about the feeling of his warm body and the way he wanted to stay there in his embrace, but it wouldn’t last. Shane was a Freshman. He was a graduating Senior. He was going off to college.
He forced those thoughts to the back of his mind. He threw aside his covers and got up from his bed, rubbed at his eyes, and went through the motions of getting ready for school. Forty-five minutes later his mind was empty as he drove. It was an easy familiar route and he got there five minutes earlier than usual so he got a better parking spot, but he had time to kill.
The thoughts returned so he opened his car door and got out, started walking. He circled the high school, by the time he got back to the entrance he found people had gathered. He went to his usual spot, leaned against the wall. He was ready for another day. Then his pocket vibrated. It was his phone. He pulled it from his pocket and checked the message.
<Good morning. Want to hang out after school?>
William looked around at the other students before he shrugged his shoulders. He pulled up a response.
<Yeah sure> - William
<It’ll be fun> - Shane
<I’m looking forward to it.> - William
He adjusted the settings for his phone so it wouldn’t make a sound and wouldn’t vibrate, then put it back in his pocket. They need a ‘school’ setting instead of an ‘airplane’ setting, he thought.
After four years, well more actually, it all felt so routine for William. He made it through the day without thinking too much. By eighth period the last thirty minutes felt like torture. He decided to hurry them along and asked for the hallway pass. In the hall he checked both directions, picked a direction and began to walk. He pulled out his phone as he did. There were two messages from Shane and two messages from Josh.
<We should watch a movie> - Shane
<We should go for a walk, maybe go to the park> - Shane
<Want to play some basketball?> - Josh
<After school. At the basketball courts. be there or be gay> - Josh
William groaned at the last message before he stopped and moved to the lockers. It was meant as a joke, yet it burned as if it had been said in person. He felt like crushing his phone with his bare hands but stopped himself, took a deep breath. He leaned back against them and pulled up a response to Shane.
<Sorry can’t make it. Something came up. Maybe some other time.> - William
He put the phone away and continued on his errand. After he had used the restroom, on his way back, he thought about checking his phone but didn’t. He wanted to be with Shane and he wanted to be with Josh for very different reasons.
When he got back to class he managed to block the thoughts out until the end of the period. He knew he was supposed to go to the basketball courts, but really he wanted to be with Shane. He walked back to his locker, dropped his books inside, and locked it. He thought about basketball, a good distraction, he thought. He took a deep breath and puffed up his shoulders, but then he saw Shane at the end of the hallway with his phone in his hand. He saw Shane type, then look up. He wondered for a moment why his phone didn’t go off before he remembered the settings. He took it out and checked the message.
<What’s going on?> Shane
He thought about lying. He tried to think of some good excuse. All of it was possible until he felt someone grab hold of him from behind, someone else slapped him on the ass, and he let out a yell. It was Josh and his other friends from the basketball team.
“Come on homo, let’s go shoot some hoops,” Josh said.
William smiled and looked amongst his teammates as they grouped around him. He tried to look past their heads to Shane but he quickly lost track of him.
“Last one there is captain of the skins team,” Josh said.
They all began to run. William looked one last time for Shane but couldn’t find him so he broke into a jog, readied himself to slow if a teacher saw him, but it was short distance to an exit, and there he broke into a run to try and catch up to his teammates.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)