Pt. 16 Stay With Me - Round and Round

William felt happier than he had been in a long time when he left Shane’s house.  They had spent hours since dinner texting back and forth and playing video games.  There had been an easy casualness to the whole thing.  There was no pressure, just comfort.

He didn’t think about any other part of his life even as he got home, greeted his family then made his way to his room.  He sat at his desk, turned on his computer, and waited for the familiar glow of the monitor.  It was just after eight, forty-five minutes before curfew on a school night and he still had homework to do but those were all minor distractions.  He set his mind to each task but he couldn’t stop smiling.  The smiling continued into the next day, through classes, and was with him when he showed up at Shane’s door with the homework assignments.

Shane invited him inside with a wave then led him to the living room where commercials played on the television.  He took a seat on the couch and invited William to sit beside him.

“Your mom out?” William asked.

Shane nodded.

“Your dad and brother?”

Shane nodded then picked up his phone.

<shopping. be back with pizza.>

“Cool,” William replied.

<Want to stay?>

William thought about it for a moment.  It was tempting to try and recreate what they had the previous day but it was also scary.  They were alone, at least for a few hours.  They could... no, it was too risky.  It would mean too much or maybe not enough.  And he wasn’t even sure if Shane liked him like that.  What if he didn’t?

“Can’t,” William said, “I have homework and my mom, after yesterday.  She wants me home early for chores.”

Shane shrugged.

He felt like he had already disinvited himself so he decided to go with it.

“I actually have to get going,” William said.  “When are you coming back to school?”

<don’t know for sure. Luke is supposed to be suspended until School Board meeting.>

“They have to have a meeting about it?  He should be expelled.”

Shane nodded and grunted through his teeth.

“I can’t believe that.  It’s not like it was a simple fight.”

<my mouth is wired shut>

“I know,” William said.

<my mom is supposed to go the meeting>

“That’s good,” William said.

<she wants me to go>

“Are you?”

<don’t want to but I will. I would hate to see him there.>

William winced at the text.  He could imagine how difficult it would be to see his attacker.  It would feel embarrassing and frustrating at the same time.

“That totally sucks, I hope she goes and she gets them to expel him.”

<me too>

William looked up from his phone and he felt as if everything had been sucked out of the room.  There was no emotion, no feeling left in him.  They had turned a corner in the conversation and he thought it would feel better if they left it alone.

“Well,” William said.  “I guess, I mean, I have to get going.”

He turned and walked from the room back through the house.  Shane followed him.  They stopped at the open front door.  It was warm outside, the sunshine still bright, and birds chirped.  William looked to Shane.  They stared each other in the eye.  There was a bond there that neither of them wanted to break.

“Well,” William said.

Shane held out his arms and grunted to signal that he wanted a hug.  William swallowed and looked out the porch where he saw the shadow of a large tree in the front yard.  Everything felt right and so he looked back at Shane and stepped in to hug him.

By their height difference alone it was easier for Shane to wrap his arms around William’s torso and for William to hold Shane’s shoulders.  William didn’t expect that Shane would grip tightly as if he was never going to let go.  It was a move William knew he would have never done first but as he felt it he tried to hug back with the same effort.  The courage of William’s move broke something in William’s being, his sense of self and fear.  It was a feeling he had always wanted.  It was a feeling he was afraid to want.

Then Shane relaxed his grip and slowly pulled away his arms and William did the same until they were apart and looking at each other again.  Both of them grinned.  The wind blew, the tree outside moved and its shadow fluctuated on the grass breaking the moment.

“Well,” William said.  “I guess I have to get going.”

He stepped onto the porch and walked to his car, looking back over his shoulder occasionally as he did.  He started the car and pulled away from the curb.  There had been something there between them, something that connected them in that moment, something he wanted to feel again but almost felt better the further away he got because it felt like a trail back to something warm and safe.

Pt. 15 Stay With Me - Third Wheel

As nice as Brittany was her continued presence at the house drained any sense of enthusiasm William had for visiting Shane.  She was strange to him and he worried about saying or doing the wrong thing.  Any comment he made seemed to be noted but uninteresting to them as they talked and he couldn’t integrate himself to their conversation so he fell quiet an hour after being there.  He was at the end of his patience, slowly taping his shoe against the coffee table leg, ready to leave on an impulse when Shane’s mother Anne entered the room.

“I’m going to be getting the plates for dinner.  Who all is staying?  You’re all welcome.”

William and Shane caught each other’s eyes.

“Sorry Mrs. Farmer,” Brittany said, “I have to get going.  I’ve been here too long actually.  I have homework and things I need to do.”

“Oh, well, how about you William?”

He gulped as Shane stared back at him.  He wanted to say he had to leave but he knew it wasn’t the truth.  He wanted to prove something to Shane, or maybe just anger him but his parents wouldn’t mind him missing dinner, much less driving back home before curfew.  He could tell that Shane wanted him to stick around so he decided to give in to the unspoken request.

“Yeah, if it’s not a problem,” William said.

“The more the merrier,” she said before leaving the room.

Brittany let out a grunt of disappointment before she stood and pulled Shane to his feet then embraced him in a tight hug.  She rocked him on his feet then kissed him on his cheek and stepped back with her hands still on his shoulders.

“You be safe from now on,” she said.  “I don’t want to hear about you getting injured.  We used to play board games together and sneak into your father’s study.”  Her words resinated in William’s chest because he realized it was a connection he didn’t have, could never have.  He bit his lip as he watched her hug him again then push away, collect her things, and walk from the room in a casual manner that made William fear she would bump into something.  She said goodbye to Anne as she passed through the kitchen and then they heard the house door open and close.  William forced a smile.

Shane grunted through his teeth and signaled that they should head for the kitchen.  William got to his feet and walked into the kitchen where he decided to follow Shane’s actions.  He washed his hands at the sink like Shane did then dried them with the same towel, followed him to the dining room where he decided to sit at the chair next to Shane.

“Shane would you go get your father in his study?”

William looked up to Anne and furrowed his eyebrows.  He had not yet met Shane’s father and the sudden idea that he had been there the whole time was perplexing.  He didn’t want to meet him like this.  He didn’t want to meet him, but there was nothing he could do to stop it.  It was going to happen.  Shane got up from the table and began to walk from the room.  William watched him leave then looked to the table that was empty and he remembered he should call his mother.

“Uh, I have to call my mother,” he said.  As he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone.  He got up from the table and began to walk from the room as he dialed his home number.  It rang three times.

“Kyle, get in here and set the table,” Anne called down the hallway to Shane’s younger brother.

“Hello,” his mother said.

“Hey mom,” William said.  “I uh, am at a friend’s place and he asked me to stay for dinner.”  His heart sunk because it felt like he was asking permission.  Eighteen, and he was asking for permission.

“Who’s the friend?” she asked.

“Just a friend from school,” he said.  He stepped away farther into the living room and lowered his voice before he said, “I’m at Josh’s.”

“Okay, well, I wish you would have told me sooner.  Though I guess it doesn’t matter much since we’re ordering pizza.  Well, be safe driving home and don’t be out too late.”

“Okay, love you mom,” he said.

“Love you too,” she said.

He hung up the phone and felt guilty about saying where he was but he knew that she knew Shane was the boy that had been beaten up, or at least she knew of him, it wouldn’t take much to know his name.  Then where would they be?  He stuck his hands in his pockets and walked back to the dining room.

Kyle had already set out the plates and he had a handful of knives and forks as he walked around setting them down one at a time on the place mats that had been put down under the dishes.  Shane stood against the wall with his hands on his hips.  Anne was busy finishing the food on the stove.  William felt happy for a moment before he saw the large head of a Saint Bernard enter the room then he looked to the archway where he saw a man slightly taller than Shane enter the room.  It was easy to see the familial similarity between the man and his two sons, though he was slightly disheveled looking as if he had just been woken up.

“Oh hey there,” he said.  “I’m Martin.  You must be William.”

Martin crossed the room to where William stood and extended his hand.  William brushed his hand on his jeans to make sure it wasn’t sweaty then shook Martin’s hand as firmly as he could.

“Good grip,” Martin said, “Shane tells us you are a basketball player.”

“I was,” William said.  “Season is over, no more games.”

“Well...” Martin added before he clapped his hands and turned to the table.

“Anything we can do?” he asked.

“Just have a seat,” Anne said.

William moved to the chair where he had been sitting in but was shocked when Kyle moved to the one next to him instead of Shane who shrugged his shoulders and sat across from him.  Martin sat at the head of the table and Anne made quick work to put the food in the center of the table: breaded chicken breast, salad, brussels sprouts, and rice.  William looked at the food and smirked as it was the type of food he usually ate during game season but when it was over he liked to go back to cheese burgers and fries.  He looked to Anne and wondered how she was overweight with this kind of diet but then Martin cleared his throat and bowed his head.

Everyone else bowed their head and William did so politely.  His family wasn’t religious, at least not this religious, enough to pray before dinner, only holidays.  He watched out of the corners of his eyes as they crossed themselves, Martin said the prayer, and then crossed themselves again.  He looked up as everyone else did then waited for someone else to start before he served himself food.

In all of the confusion he hadn’t noticed that Shane didn’t have a plate and he stopped for a moment when Anne spoke up.

“He’ll eat later.  I have to blend his food and he’s embarrassed to eat in front of you.”

“Oh,” William said.  He looked to Shane who was clearly bothered but not going to respond.

Pt. 14 Stay With Me - New Shoes

William and Brittany dropped the books in the open trunk of his car before setting off for Shane’s home.  He felt awkward with her in the car because he knew very little about her.  She had been one of the few, because of last name, that had rarely ended up in any of his classes.  She was a stranger to him.

She was different than everyone else too.  She stood out from the crowd but in a good way, humble almost.  She was tall, attractive, and sophisticated.  She had long, curly, blonde hair that was usually loose about her head.  She was popular but she wasn’t a cheerleader or a preppie.

She wore Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses but no one called her a snob.  She had been to Europe to visit all of the great cities. She was smart.  She studied Spanish and French.  She read books unrelated to classes in study hall.

She was a part of the Gay-Straight Alliance, yet there was little suspicion of her motives.  There could be no rumors.  She was a ‘straight ally’, because there had been rumors that she had been sexually active with at least two guys, neither of whom attended their school, rumors that weren’t denied, and no one said she was a whore.

Other girls had ruined reputations either because they had had sex with a guy at school or because they were rumored to have performed some sexual act like a blow job or a hand job but not her.  She had been and seen.  She was sociable but aloof.  She floated along with her own passions, her own abilities.

William had expected her to fidget and complain.  He thought she would play with her cell phone or read a book.  He thought she would complain that his car didn’t have power windows or that the backseat was filled with garbage.  He thought she would complain about his driving ability or give him directions but she did none of those things.  She rolled down the window and relaxed in the passenger seat.  She didn’t fidget.  She didn’t seem bothered and though her dark glasses covered her eyes William felt that she was present.  They were halfway there when he decided to start a conversation.

“So how do you know Shane?” he asked.  It was difficult to speak after such a long silence but once the words were out he felt better.

“I used to babysit him,” she said.  “His parents would have me come over and watch him, usually on Saturdays or evenings when they were home.”

“They were home but they needed a babysitter?  Isn’t that more like paying you to be his friend?”

“I guess, but not really, I mean they were busy.  Sometimes they left for different errands and things.  I was there to keep him entertained.  I thought of it mostly like a job but I really like him, you know, don’t get me wrong.  I’m glad you went to see him in the hospital.”

“Did he tell you about that?”

“Yeah, he mentioned it.”

William gulped at the answer because somehow he had expected his actions to go unnoticed, or at least untold.  Now there was a bond there between them, a friendship recognized by someone else.

“Did he mention anything else?”

She looked in his direction briefly before she looked away to the road ahead.  He could tell that she wanted to say something but was stopping herself.

“What?” he asked.

“Well,” she said before she rubbed her hand against the knee of her jeans, “he mentioned you guys have been texting back and forth and it’s really been keeping him in good spirits.”

“Really,” he said.  He wanted to follow up, ask more but he was silenced by his own happiness and then when he recognized that he was grinning a little he cleared his throat and changed his facial expression back to being serious.

“He’s a nice guy,” she said.

William nodded and a quick smile jerked at his lips before he caught himself.  He wanted to change the subject but his he couldn’t find a thought far enough away.

“I can’t believe Luke attacked him like that,” William said.

“Did you know Luke?”

“Not really,” William said.  “He fell in with the vocational studies crowd.  Did you?”

“Briefly in the seventh grade but he was such a dick head even back then I couldn’t stand him.  When he said it was a senior in his gym class I didn’t know who it was.  Did you?”

“No, why?  You thought he would do something like this?”

“I should have.  He used to brag about how one day he was going to bag himself a queer but no one knew what that meant back then.  I hadn’t thought about it in years.”

The phrase resounded in William’s ear and he felt his stomach clench.  He thought about Luke, the other boys in his class, the members that had been on his basketball team and it felt like blows to his psyche.  They would all hate him if they knew.  They would all hate him if they found out the truth, a truth he didn’t know how long he could hide.  Truth always comes out to the surface even in minor Freudian slips.

They didn’t talk for the rest of the drive, even as they got out of the car and retrieved the books there was barely an exchange of sounds until they reached the door and Shane welcomed them inside, dressed in his pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt.

Brittany let out a squeal of delight as she embraced him, took him in her arms, and squeezed until he stuck out his arms in surrender.  It was clearly the first time they had been together since the fight and William felt instantly jealous at their easy embrace.  What would it mean if he had tried for such a hug?  Was it something either of them were ready for?  He forced himself to smile when Shane looked to him and held up the books to signify the true reason for their visit.

“How are you doing?” she asked as she let him go.

He grunted through his teeth then held up his cell phone.

“Let’s get us on a group chat,” she said.

Shane nodded then walked away as he pressed buttons on his phone.  William and Brittany followed after him through the house to what was clearly his bedroom.

Brittany pulled out her phone and William was about to do the same when it buzzed in his pocket.  He gripped at it through his jeans to make it stop then pulled it out and opened it.  There was already two messages from Shane.

Hello.

Good to see you.

William was unable to type until he set the books down so he waited until they entered and then he signaled for a place to put them down and Shane pointed to his bed.  Brittany and William set the books down and Shane was quick to type into his phone.

Homework. Ugh.

William smiled.

“You thought you’d be able to get out of it,” William said.

“Well at least you don’t have to go to school,” Brittany added.

Shane mocked their humor with a raise of his shoulders and a roll of his eyes.

No one had anything to say right away and William took the time to look around the room.  There were shelves full of books, trinkets, and toys.  His desk was mostly clean with a single candle next to an open laptop with a screen saver displaying male athletes.  Brittany saw where he was looking.  Shane grinned then closed the laptop.

The room was organized but full.  The books were a mix of Western Canon and popular science fiction, with a few biographies, historical texts, and horror mixed in.

It had been too long since they had said something and Shane desperately wanted to start a conversation so he held up his finger to get their attention before he retrieved a shoe box from under his bed.  He set the box on his bed, opened it, and pulled out a brand new pair of sneakers with bright blue shoe strings.

“Nice shoes,” Brittany said.

“Those are some shoe laces,” William added.

Shane nodded then dropped them on the bed and picked up his phone, shortly after both William and Brittany’s phone rang with the same message.

Got them because my old one’s had blood on them from the fight.  Couldn’t get it to come out. Mom said she couldn’t send me back in them.